This post is a particularly difficult one for me to write at the moment, because a friend of mine unexpectedly passed away just a few days ago, and his wife is one of the most important people in my life, so part of my reasoning for writing this is strictly personal.

First, let me start by stating that every loss is unique and each individual’s response is unique, as well, so there’s no “right”  or “wrong” way to grieve. And dependent upon whom has passed, your level of grief may vary. Personally, I can relate to grief a lot. When I was 10 weeks old, my own father passed away, so I’ve been grieving that loss my entire life. In fact, it wasn’t until I was in my late 20s that I had the courage to finally press play on a tape he had made me from his hospital bed. I took the tape, got into my Honda, drove down the block, pushed in the cassette, and as soon as I heard my own father’s voice for the very first time, I started screaming in agony and I was unable to stop. I started pounding my fists on the steering wheel and then my head just hung while I sobbed. I played the tape over and over and over again, and when I finally drove home, I put the tape back in a safe place, and I have not listened to it since. To some, that might seem crazy. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear the sound of a loved one they had never had the opportunity of meeting? But for me, it was the exact opposite. Hearing his voice reminded me of all the things he and I both missed out on with each other, and all the experiences, good or bad, we could have had together. There were so many questions I will never have the chance to ask, and worst of all, I never got to simply say to him, “I love you.” However, I was lucky when my mom remarried, because the man she married legally adopted me as his own, and I love him dearly. He’s a great dad, and an awesome grandfather, but it will always linger somewhere in the back of my mind, what could have been.

Now, moving on from the loss of my father, I remember dealing with the loss of my grandmother at 10, my grandfather, I believe at 12?, my uncle at 13, and my mom’s best friend, at 14. Now, his death was especially difficult for me, because in the last several months of his life, he lived with us so my mom and I could take care of him. He was living with AIDS, and at the time I was also volunteering at the AIDS Resource Center, so I had the privilege of meeting some truly courageous people. It was also very sad for me, too, because sometimes I would go to the center, expecting to see a familiar face, and would be told that the person had just passed away. That’s a lot of intense emotion for a 14 year-old, but such is life. Our friend, whom I’ll call John, would always try to make the best of his situation. I remember him joking about what song he wanted played at his own funeral, and he kept insisting on “Walk Like A Man” by Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons. We would always laugh about that, but it was an uncomfortable laugh, because it wasn’t an idea that would come to fruition in 50 years… it was more like 5 months.

I have lost many loved ones – friends & family included. In fact, my own aunt passed away last July, and to this day, I still see her name in my phone and I re-read the texts we exchanged, and I can’t help but wonder WHY??????

Needless to say, I’ve dealt with a lot of loss, but so have may others, so how exactly are we supposed to deal with loss? I often ask myself – which is better? Watching someone get sick and know the end is near, or losing someone unexpectedly, so you don’t spend months preparing for the inevitable while your loved one wastes away in pain and misery? I don’t think there IS a “better” option. They both SUCK really badly, but it’s universally important to know a few things about grieving.

People grieve in different ways:

• Some internalize everything and keep a stiff upper lip.
• Some want to be surrounded by as many people as possible, for comfort and feelings of security
• Some crawl into bed and don’t get out for days, weeks, months, etc.
• Some keep themselves busy, as to avoid completely falling apart
• Some even have years-long pity parties that may eventually drive a few of their friends away
• The list is endless…..

The important thing to remember, however, is that regardless of how you grieve, even if you want to be left alone to wallow in self-pity, there will always be people around. And people = shoulders. It’s okay to let go of the tough exterior and just cry. It’s only been a few days since my friend passed, and every time this one particular song comes on, I start crying immediately, because it reminds me of his wife and all the things I want her to know and understand.

Life is so short and precious. I know we say that a lot, but it never really seems to sink in until someone close to us is gone forever. I would give ANYTHING to have had a chance to have just ONE conversation with my biological father before he died; especially since I’m told I’m a lot like him. And I’m willing to bet that my friend, had she had access to a crystal ball, would have handcuffed her husband to the bed until BBQ time.

Allow me to finish this post by adding, that grief doesn’t always coincide with death, per se. Two years ago, my best friend and I stopped speaking, and I still sometimes grieve that loss, especially when certain songs come on the radio. I loved her like a sister, so it was hard letting go. Also, people may grieve the end of a marriage, or even grieve the loss of a certain lifestyle. But regardless whether your grieving the loss of a loved one, be it a person or even a pet, or grieving the loss of a friendship, do it your own way, at your own pace, and don’t let anyone tell you when enough is enough. You are entitled to grieve when someone dies or leaves your life, for whatever reason. The important thing to remember, however, is to keep living your own life. It may sound harsh, but the end of someone you love’s life does not mark the end of your own. It merely marks the end of that life – your lives together. You are still here, and you are surrounded by love.