Hey guys! I know it’s been a little bit since my last post; I’m taking a writer’s vacay, but something happened that was so bizarre that I had to go on a quick vacay from my vacay to share this with you…..

For the past couple of days, I’ve been suffering and waiting for the doctor’s office to open because…. I have a bladder infection! YAY!!!!!! Bladder infections are just the best, aren’t they? I can’t decide which is my favorite symptom: The never-ending urge to pee, or the sensation of boiling water as my infected pee exits my body…. Damn, it’s so hard to choose!

The truth is, they fucking suck. Seriously suck. So when I got one, I naturally called my doctor to inquire about HIM prescribing me an antibiotic so I can focus my energy on what’s really important: the twelve baskets of unfolded laundry mad-dogging me from all corners of my bedroom. I wish I was exaggerating…. but I’ve had many a girlfriend come over, so they’ve seen my struggle…. and the struggle is REAL, y’all! The. Struggle. Is. Real.!!!!

Anyway, I called my doctor to ask about HIM prescribing me some medication, and what followed was one of the strangest, weirdest, awe-inspiring, yet oddly hilarious exchanges I’ve had, ever.

For the purposes of this post, and out of respect for my doctor (whom I actually adore), I am going to use fictional names….

Operator: Hi, thank you for calling Dr. Johnson’s office, how may I help you?

Me: Hi, yes. For the past couple of days, it has been extremely painful to urinate, so I was wondering if Dr. Johnson could call in the same antibiotic I used for my last infection.

Operator: Okay, and where are you experiencing this pain?

Me: Where? Ummmmm… my vagina?

Operator: (mumbles as she takes down notes… “Patient complaining of pain in her vagina”) Then says, Have you checked to see if there are any foreign objects that might be causing this discomfort?

Me: Foreign objects? Ummmm, what do you mean… like, is there a vacuum cleaner stuck in there? Or a fork? (I then laughed, as I was obviously being sarcastic….. but apparently I was the only one who picked up on that….)

Operator: A vacuum cleaner? I’m confused. Are you saying you hurt your vagina with a vacuum cleaner & a fork?

Me: No! I was being sarcastic…. I’m just confused as to what, exactly, could be foreign in my vagina…. (I immediately had flashbacks to Alien)

Operator: Oh you’d be surprised. <– THAT certainly peaked my interest, but I wasn’t going to touch that with a 10-ft pole.

Me: The inside of my vagina does not hurt… it’s my urinary tract. It hurts when I pee, so I need some medicine to make it better.

Operator: Are you sure the pain is coming from your vagina?

Me: (long silence…. followed by…) Ummmm, yes, I’m pretty sure it’s coming from my vagina.

Operator: You’re pretty sure?

Me: I’m fucking positive! It’s MY vagina!!!!!!!!!

Operator: Okay, ma’am, there’s no need to raise your voice or use profanities.

Me: Oh, I’m not raising my voice. There must be an echo. You’re in the bathroom with me while I painfully pee through my EAR and check my VAGINA for my Dirt Devil. It’s been missing for a week.

Operator: Well, in either case, we can’t call in any medication until you come in and leave a sample.

Me: A sample from my ear?

Operator: Is that where you’re experiencing the pain?

(At this point, I’m trying everything in my power NOT to ask this lady if she’s sober)

Me: Okay, let’s start over: I have extreme discomfort in my urinary tract when I pee. Since that also appears to be where my vagina resides, I put 2 and 2 together, and came to the conclusion that the pain is indeed coming from my vaginal region.

Operator: Okay, please come in today and leave a sample so we can test it and call in a prescription for you.

(NOW since she’s decided to put me thru hell, I decided to return the favor)

Me: Leave a sample of what? What all do you need? Hair? Saliva? My ear?

Operator: No – we don’t need any of that, unless you’re experiencing discomfort there, too.

(I REALLY wanted to respond with, “Great, then I will come leave a sample of my brain, since this conversation has caused plenty of discomfort in THAT region.”)

Me: No, I was kidding… I’ll be right in.

Who the hell second-guesses someone who complains of pain in their vagina? Or any body part for that matter? I’ll tell you what matters…. I’m in pain, SO FIX ME, motherfucker!