Ya’ know… several years ago, I made a video recording of my husband promising me that every single Sunday, until the day one of us dies, he will give me a solid foot-rub. And I mean a nice, firm foot rub. Not some half-assed shit you get at the nail salon, where they wear latex gloves and lather your leg with lotion, just so they can repeatedly “scratch” the same spot with their “crit-o-gel”.***

Not only has he not kept his word, but I seem to remind him so often that I want my feet rubbed that one time when my dad happened to be visiting, he subtly suggested that I might have somewhat of a foot fetish. Obviously I was taken aback by this, and when he saw the look of confusion on my face, it was over. I knew in that moment that I would never live that down. One year my dad even sent me a coffee table book filled entirely with pages and pages of different feet, as a joke, just in case his inkling was correct. Allow me to state, emphatically, that Dad… your inkling is wrong.

I do not have a foot fetish; I just really love getting a foot rub. If I could get them daily, I would, but then again, who the hell wouldn’t?! Foot rubs are amazing – especially if I’ve gone out and suffered in 4-inch heels all night. But it did get me thinking… what exactly is a “foot fetish”? Is it just being obsessed with feet? I’ve heard stories and I’m pretty sure I saw a special about it years ago on Real Sex on HBO (man, I miss that show), but I’d never done any research….and now I have. And now I must write. Before I do that, however, I’d like to say something to everyone reading this. When I write my posts and I talk shit about subsets of people, just know that while it might be my opinion, in no way do I ever think that such things make one person better than another. Please keep that in mind. Especially now, because I am about to talk some serious shit.

According to Wikipedia, the following are four characteristics of foot fetishism that have really got me thinking about what else is out there, in terms of fetishes…. Oh yes, my friends, you’re picking up exactly what I’m putting down…. But I will tackle those one at a time. My psyche can’t handle the information overload.

1) Shape & Size of the Foot and Toes

Oh, I’m sorry. Is my big toe not long enough for ya’? FIRST of all, what the fuck? Second of all, huh? Thirdly…… ummmmmm….errrrrrr……what? You mean to tell me that out there in the vast world we call home, there are men and women who will literally bust a nut merely from the sight of a long third toe, or a stubby pinky toe? Or a bent middle toe? Hahaha I just don’t get it. To me, feet are fucking ugly. My own feet are ugly. Everyone’s feet are ugly!!!! Why, oh why, does this turn you on? Do short toes somehow resemble a clit? If it’s long, does it look like a schlong? What does it all mean?! High arches? <– I don’t even know what to do with that one… Ballet, anyone? And the foot, itself. Is bigger really better? Is it the size that counts? Are you trying to fit the entire thing in your mouth? What is going on?!

“Baby, there are so many things I love about you, but you know what I love most?”

“My smile? My eyes? The way I make you laugh?”

“Nah, bae…. it’s your big toe. Damn, girl….(grunts), just thinking about that giant digit gets me goin’.”

2) Jewelry

Toe rings and ankle bracelets. Mmmmmmm. I tried wearing a toe ring once, but it was really fucking annoying. I cannot, for the life of me, fathom how seeing a stubby or normal toe with a ring on it could cause sexual arousal. What exactly are you seeing that I’m not? Educate me, people!!! For the love of God, what?!?!?!! If you guys get married, will you buy her/him an engagement toe ring? If so, make sure to get pavé diamonds, so it hurts less when he/she walks.

3) State of Dress

Okay. Let me just put it out there, front and center, that unless I have a special event I have to attend, or I am going out for some good old-fashioned debauchery, I live 99.7% of my life in flip-flops…. as do most inhabitants of Coastal Southern California. Having said that, California, Arizona and Hawaii must be motherfuckin’ meccas for those with foot fetishes. After this post, I’m going to be looking around at school drop-off to see if anyones’ eyes linger a leeeeeetle too long at someone’s feet, or if I see someone looking at someone’s flip-flop and popping wood. Either way, I’ll probably chuckle… loudly. In fact, if you see me at school, and I’m walking alone, laughing for no apparent reason, chances are I found someone with a foot fetish. And if that person is YOU, and you try to explain away your lingering stare as some sort of random daydreaming, I’ll call your bluff and shove my foot right in your face just to see your reaction. With my luck, you’ll be appalled, and I will immediately have an awkward encounter with a soon-to-be former friend.

High heels I kiiiiiiiiiind of get, but only if you’re seeing the whole leg in the heel. Women look hot in heels, plain and simple. But if you’re getting turned on by just the shoe, itself, I’d head to Payless. Their aisles are almost always empty, and they sell plenty of heels. You’re welcome. But what about those dudes (and I’m sure women, too) who like to drink out of a worn high heel? What the fuck is that about? “Hi. Um, yes, bartender, I’d like to order some Tito’s with Club Soda and a pinch of Athlete’s Foot, please.”

4) Sensory Interaction, Including, But Not Limited To

• Smelling the foot
• Licking the foot
• Kissing the foot
• Tickling the foot
• Biting the foot
• Etc.    <– Etcetera? What the fuck does that mean? What the hell ELSE can one do with a foot?!!? Wait…. oh my God.. no joke, I legit just realized what “etcetera” they were referring to as I wrote this. This is real life, people, and Shit. Just. Got. REAL.

Smelling the Foot

I remember being at summer camp and after a long day of hiking, my friends and I would gross each other out by throwing our dirty socks at each other and when someone was sleeping on their bunk, we’d put our smelly feet in their face to wake them up. It was hilarious. It was fun. And I was TWELVE.

Can someone puh-leez explain to me what the appeal of smelling someone’s foot is? Feet are gross!! All of your body weight is put on those fuckers, and they get sweaty and stinky and callous….ee, and (shiver) BLECH!. And let’s say you have just stepped out of the shower or nail salon, and your feet are pretty in pink, still, what’s the appeal? It’s not like they spray your feet with perfume. Your feet don’t have eyes. They can’t wink at you, subtly, and twirl their hair. What is it?!?!?! Is it like wine-tasting? Do you swirl the foot around by your nostrils and try to determine the person’s activities from that day?

“Oooooh, baby. Give me that foot. (swirls it around) What is that I smell? (gasp!) Did you go to the grocery store? I smell plastic bags and matzoh. Wait… wait….there’s more! Darling, did you stop by Teresa’s place? I smell Teresa. Oh, and you got the mail. Thanks, honey.”

Licking & Kissing the Foot

I can’t. I just can’t. I’ll straight ralph if I type any more.

Tickling the Foot

“Oh, my pretty little pet. I love you. So I stroke it, I pet it and I massage it. Heehee, and I love it. I love my little naughty pet – you’re naughty!” – Tommy Boy

That is what enters my mind. Every time. End of story.

Biting

Yea, I don’t have much to say about that. You’re obviously hungry. I’m more concerned for your partner at this point.

Bottom Line? I don’t get it, at all, whatsoever. I DO get the appeal from massaging someone’s foot, but only if it’s YOUR FUCKING FOOT! There is no logical reason, in my opinion, why rubbing someone else’s foot would turn one on. Maybe I’m just selfish. Maybe I’m boring. Maybe I’m wrong, and have been seriously missing out. Who knows.

Anyway, stay tuned… there are A LOT of fetishes out there, and it is my DUTY to share it with all of you. Allow me to end this with a question. What about the old lady who LIVED in a shoe…….? Ponder that!