Well, well, well. Who the fuck knew? I’ve discovered that….

•  I have a lot of male readers – yay

•  I have an innate urge to learn more about the male perspective – duh

• There are many more things that I apparently “missed” on my ‘Pay Attention When It’s At Attention’ post. #obvi….

So here is Part Two of my post. In this post, I shall examine several more things men don’t find that hot during foreplay and/or sex. If you need a refresher on the original post, click below.

http://kater79.com/2014/10/01/pay-attention-when-its-at-attention/

*I’m sure I’m still missing some, and I expect to hear about it….*

1. Wearing his clothes home after a ONS (One Night Stand)

GUYS.HATE.THIS.

When you meet a random guy out one night, and for whatever reason you end up back at his place for a little sexercise, DON’T take his shit home with you. In your mind you might be thinking that this one-nighter could turn into marriage, but in his mind, you’re a fucking thief. Those are HIS boxers, HIS shirt, HIS zip up hoodie – NOT YOURS. You came to his place in a skin tight, vagina brushing dress, and bitch, you’d better leave that way. You’ve got no one to blame but yourself. It’s not HIS fault you didn’t keep a change of clothes in your car. It’s not HIS fault that you’re embarrassed to do the walk of shame in last night’s attire. And it’s also NOT HIS fault that you are a Stage-5 Clinger hoping he will call you again. He won’t. And if he does, it’s only because he wants his shit back.

If you want to feel special, go out and purchase some boxers and a button up shirt and keep them in your car. Hell, keep a ball gown or jogging suit in there – men don’t care. All they want is their shit, and you OUT of their house before you ask for breakfast and their itinerary for the rest of the day. Ladies, it’s called a ONS for a reason. It’s ONE NIGHT. ONE. One and done. Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. And there’s nothing wrong with a ONS, whatsoever, unless that encounter turns into burglary. Do yourselves a favor – try to wake up before he does and get the fuck out. You’ll be surprised…. a lot of guys will find that kinda cool, and they will probably seek you out again. Then again, they may not. Either way, by leaving with exactly what you came with, you are saving your reputation. It’s one thing to be thought of as a girl out for a good time; men do it all the time, without consequence, but imagine the following:

You’re at the bar, and you meet a hot guy. One thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, you’re back at your place. Do you really want to wake up to find this guy wearing your juicy sweats or wonder woman panties? I think not. And what about watching him leave with that shit on? What if he realizes he can’t find his pants and now needs to borrow a purse to hold his keys, phone & wallet? I’m pretty sure that’s called theft, and people get arrested for that. It’s true. Google it.

And I’ve got news for you…. when you ask the guy if it’s “cool” if you borrow his stuff, most of the time they say “sure”, but NONE of them mean it. Men only think in the moment, and in that moment, all they are thinking is the fastest way to get you the fuck out of their house, and are therefore willing to let you take almost anything to make that happen. If you’re a criminal, then take full advantage – he’ll probably let you take his waffle iron. But in all seriousness…. just go. Go, go, go.

2.  Kissing After a Blowjob

I know this is for the most part unavoidable, and the women I spoke to don’t seem to mind kissing their partner after said partner has gone down on them, but for guys, I guess it grosses them out. I’m not sure why, unless you eat a lot of asparagus and your dick tastes like wheatgrass, but alas, the men I spoke with aren’t fans.

Listen…. actually, never mind. This one is too stupid to elaborate on. Guys…. you’re about to get laid, and considering the majority of women I know aren’t huge fans of giving head, anyway, pick your battles.

3.  No Necrophilia for Me, Please

I remember many years ago watching a movie called Amelie, and in one scene, she was laying there, just staring at the ceiling while the man on top of her took care of business. She look bored. She looked annoyed…. and she looked like a corpse.

Sex involves a lot of things – and at the top of the list, right under chemistry and good breath is….. movement! When you just lie there, how can you possibly enjoy yourself? Learn to relax and just go with it. And if you’re not into it, then be even MORE vocal and physical. Fake that shit!!! It will turn the guy on so much that he’ll come more quickly, and then you can get the fuck out of there… in your OWN clothes.

On the flip side, guys also hate it when their bodies and your bodies aren’t moving in sync. I’ve been there, so I know exactly to what they’re referring. It’s so awkward when you’re rhythm is off. His penis usually ends up falling out because you’re thrusting the opposite way, and his dick gets an eviction notice. OR… you’re trying to stay in sync with him so hard, that you end up moving exactly the same as he does, and then you pretty much go no where, and then your chests start to make farting noises and the sweaty skin searches in earnest for some goddamm rhythm.

Try putting on music that you would love to dance to. Your body will automatically fall into a good rhythm, and then let the guy adjust to YOU.

4.  Hairy Nipples, “Happy Trails” & 70’s Bush

(sigh) There a many men who love going down on a woman and feel like they’re eating a box full of daddy longlegs, so I’m obviously not referring to you. Enjoy Woodstock and tell Stevie I said what’s up.

But I wasn’t aware that in this day and age, women still rocked full bush! I had assumed that the Puss-Fro went to the wayside after the release of Boogie Nights. But apparently I was wrong. Of course, I haven’t seen the majority of my friends’ vaginas, but the ones I have seen all fall into one of 3 categories;

A) hairless cat

B) landing strip

C) neatly landscaped buzz-cut

If you insist on keeping your chia pet safe and sound, I would strongly advise you to find the quickest route to option C, STAT. It’s easy, I’ll walk you through it…

Step 1: Grab the gardening shears

Step 2: Use said gardening shears, LIBERALLY

Step 3: Shave your inner thighs

Step 4: Never let it grow longer than a millimeter again. Ever.

*This is not mandatory – again, this is just the feedback I got from a lot of men.

Just say NO to the Hungry Puss-Fro

Now, on to the nipples & belly button… I know, I know – it’s a total double standard. Men can have as much chest hair as they want, but for us, it’s just plain no bueno. Most women get a hair or two that grow on their nipples – it’s not a big deal. But because it’s not a big deal, TWEEZE THAT FUCKER!!!!!!!! and the same with your lower abdomen – plainly put, it creeps guys out. You may call it a “happy trail”, but to many guys, it’s more like an erection reaper. In fact, I’m not sure why it’s called a “Happy Trail” at all. In my opinion, it should be called an “UNhappy Trail”, because when most guys see it, they do, indeed, frown. And if you’re rocking the Unhappy Trail AND 70s bush, from the guys’ perspective, it looks like an upside down, moss-covered tree. If you are one such woman, just look straight down. Need I say more?

Ok, I think I’m going to stop here. Believe me, I have more… which means I’ll probably have to do a Part Three… but until then, read up, enjoy, & if you don’t currently own a pair of gardening shears, there’s a Home Depot nearby, and it’s the holidays, so let Santa or Hanukkah Harry know, asap.

Bisous!