Happy Saturday!!

This newest post is dedicated to a special group of friends who mean more to me than chocolate milk. And for those of you who’ve known me a while… that’s a pretty big fucking deal. Well, two of these amazingly amazing women went out last night, and sent me a cute little video of a man who calls himself El Guapo. Now, if you don’t speak Spanish or have access to Google Translate, El Guapo means “handsome”, but for the purposes of this post, El Guapo shall serve as a universal term for “douche bag”. In fact, I declare that from this moment, all douche bags I encounter shall be henceforth known as “Guapos”.

Now… I have been out of the dating scene since 2001, so I won’t attempt to know what it’s like to try meeting guys in the current era of social media and texting. But what I DO know, is that since the beginning of time, there have been, and will always be, Guapos. You know, the first time I ever heard El Guapo was when I was a child watching The Three Amigos with my 1st grade best friend, and come to think of it, that guy was a douche bag, too! Not much has changed since I stopped dating – I still go out with my friends and witness the debauchery that existed 13 years ago, but as much as we see and experience the “ickiness” of the Guapo, we have yet to truly dissect it. I guess that’s something I shall put upon myself to take to task 🙂

First off, any man who calls himself “handsome” without provocation is a douche bag. You’re only as handsome as the next girl tells you you are. I’ve got news for you – if you walk around calling yourself “handsome”, then you’re probably the only one who thinks that, aside from your mommy and “Abuela”. Truly handsome guys who are also NOT Guapos, typically either know they’re good-looking, but are humble enough to keep it to themselves, or don’t know how good-looking they are, and therefore will probably be on the shier side. The reason I say this, is because if they’re hot and outgoing, then I can pretty much guarantee that a plethora of drunk trash-hags, yes, to be confused with trash bags, have thrown themselves on him and possibly even his dick and told him so. This is not a guy u want to mess with. He will smooth-talk you while sliding his hand up your best friend’s skirt.

Secondly, I can’t exactly fancy myself a Guapo-Whisperer, because we get along like oil and water. I have friends who are friends with Guapos, and I cannot grasp why. They bring absolutely nothing to the table, except limitless material for me to work with. But I’ve been in hundreds of bars/clubs/parties infested with Guapos, and it never ends well when I’m confronted with one. I can’t help it. I have to call them out. It’s in my nature, and the funny thing about it, is that Guapos are the cockiest – yet most insecure men you’ll ever meet. This is why when you don’t give a Guapo the attention he feels he so aptly deserves, he responds with an insult. A true gentleman would simply walk away. But not the Guapo!!!!! You brush a Guapo’s advances off, and he will turn on what I call the “Bitch Switch”. He’ll immediately come at you like you should feel thankful that a guy like him is even giving you the time of day. Don’t take it personally, ladies… or gentlemen… these guys are so self-loathing, that you just have to remember one thing. When he points the finger at you, there are 3 more fingers pointing back at himself – marinate on that for a moment.

Another sign that you’ve encountered a true Guapo is when he makes it abundantly clear that he has absolutely ZERO respect for personal space and/or boundaries. He’s the guy who, at the bar, will just “happen” to grope your entire body while scooting behind you, and then will apologize as if he didn’t mean to. Get real, motherfucker. Women are not dumb, only trash hags are… and I don’t put them in the same category as women, because that would give the impression that I have respect for these chicks, and I DON’T. Women, on the other hand, will roll their eyes and probably say “Excuse Me!” very loudly, whereas trash hags will do nothing, and then will probably wake up in the morning with Guapo’s pubes in their teeth and a moderate case of “The Clap”. These are also the guys who, on the dance floor, will walk right up to you and start dry humping your back. And when you attempt to walk away, they will follow you. EW! Take a hint, you fucking idiot Guapo!

Moving on…. another sign that you are in the presence of a true Guapo is what I call the “money-factor”. Some Guapos actually have money, but most don’t, but like to pretend they do. So…. every Friday, after they receive their paycheck, they’ll go shopping for a new outfit, leaving the tags on and well-hidden, of course, since they will have to return the items the next day, and the rest of the money will be conveniently folded in their wallets with the largest bill on top so at the bar they can “appear” like they’re ballers, when in actuality, they’re losers who can’t afford the room they’re renting in mommy’s bungalow. Pay attention, Guapos: Any woman worth taking home to mommy won’t care if you’ve got money or not, as long as you’ve got good work ethics and some serious ambition. On the other hand, if you flash your cash every weekend, but then go on a date to the local steakhouse for some SALAD, your gig is up. She’ll bail on you faster than you can say…. GUAPO!

My best advice for women and men who are in the dating scene and want to avoid Guapos at all costs, pay attention to the following:

• Closely observe clothing for tags
• Make sure he doesn’t touch you unless it’s to shake your hand or hand you a drink AFTER he’s politely asked you and you’ve agreed.
• If he’s aggressive in his flirting, then he’s over-compensating for something, or perhaps several things, and the second you turn him down, he’ll hate your guts and let you know it.
• He’s quick to bash girls when with his friends – men aren’t allowed to do this. It’s against the law. Only women can be catty. Hence, the term “catty“. Guys – do you REALLY want to be compared to a feline? Just sayin’…..
• If he goes to pay for something and pulls out a wad instead of a bill or two, GUAPO!!!!!
• If he’s hot but LOUSY in bed, it’s because he knows he’s handsome and therefore relies predominantly on his looks. The same can be said for many insanely gorgeous women. I’ve heard from guys that many of these women are the worst in bed because they’ve relied on their looks for so long that they just assume that’s all they need. Pay attention, insanely gorgeous women… there’s more to you than a face and a vagina. And you’ve got joints… move them around!
• And most importantly, if he calls himself Guapo…. then he’s a Guapo. Again – that one might take you a sec to “get”.

In conclusion, the next time you go out solo or with friends, keep your “douche detector” on, and then when – not IF, you spot one, sneak a photo, tag them and then caption it with “El Guapo.” And if you’re lucky enough spot a herd of Guapos, call the ZOO.