It’s Friday!!! And, I get to see some of my favorite people in the world soon, so I’m gonna make this a quick one.

So…. I was at the tanning salon yesterday, getting my “dark” on for tonight’s GTS (Girl Time Shenanigans), and when I finished purchasing a new spray-tanning package, the girl behind the front desk, who, by the way looks like Xena, Warrior Princess (lucky hoe). <– Love you, Pollyanna…. Anyway, she asks me if I’d like my receipt, and for some reason I couldn’t decide whether not I wanted it, and finally she said, “Just fucking take it!” In that moment, two things happened. One – I became slightly and unexpectedly turned on, and two – it caused something in my brain to click, which brings me to today’s post.

Talking Dirty

Now, to the average person, hearing a simple command such as this wouldn’t ignite an entire new line of thought. But I’m anything but average, and my mind always goes in one of two directions – sex or food. I guess in this case, “just fucking take it” could bring up memories of questionable appetizers or yucky medicine, but what’s the fun in that?

I know there are several different ways to talk dirty, but since I am only familiar with the kind I hear in porn, I shall give you a few examples.

‘Still Got My Floaties On’ Dirty

“Yes….. yes….. oh yes…… yes.” (groan)

You usually witness this with newer porn stars or porn stars who have no idea what they’re doing except how to spread their orifices and then cash their checks at the nearest grocery store.

‘Shallow End’ Dirty

“Oh yeah, baby. Harder. Ooooooo – just like that. I love that. You’re amazing! Ahhhhhhhhhh……”

‘Anatomically’ Dirty

“Oh yea, baby. Right on that clit – just like that. I love the way you grab my breasts. Now don’t stop. Don’t stop! Smack that ass. Bite my neck.”

I swear, when I hear this kind of talk, part of me wants to break out into a verse of “Head, Shoulders, Knees, & Toes”.

…. and then we have….

‘Dive Right In to the Shark-Infested Waters’ Dirty

“Oh God yes!! Fuck that pussy hard! Don’t stop. I need your cock NOW. Give it to me, baby. HARDER!!!!!!! Oh Thank you Daddy! Yes!!!”

I could go on and on, but I’m pretty sure you catch my drift. But let’s pause for a giant WTF about that last statement. “Daddy?” (long pause) ……..Really?…… “Daddy”?! Aside from the fact that it disturbs me to the core to hear anyone refer to their sexual partner as their “daddy”, it begs the question, why don’t we ever hear them yelling out, “Dad”….. or “Father”….. or perhaps even “Pop”? What do they have against those terms? But then THIS begs an ever greater question, and that is, “Why the FUCK are you calling your sexual partner your dad? Is this something CPS should be involved in? If my husband EVER called out “Mommy” during sex, I would literally divorce him, on the spot. I wonder….are women who yell this in some roundabout way fantasizing that they’re having sex with their dads? Ewwwwwwwwww. That’s all I can say about it – ew.

Now here’s where I’d like to switch gears and discuss my own views about talking dirty. I think it’s totally fine and to each his own, but for me, personally, I feel like the biggest freaking idiot even thinking about attempting such a thing. Trust me – I’ve tried. And I don’t mean I’ve tried talking dirty; I mean I’ve tried thinking about attempting it. But when I do, imagine the following being said in a voice akin to to Ben Stein’s female counterpart. (“Bueller…..Bueller…..Bueller”).

“Oh yes. Ummm. Yes. I like that. Yes – you are a bad man. Keep going. Don’t stop. I love your, um…. penis. No wait – cock (followed by uncontrollable giggling, due my severe immaturity). Oh yea. Oh yea. Oh yea.”

Yep – that pretty much sums up my skillz, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if talking robotically dampened the mood. Honestly, I wish I could be one of those women who wakes the neighbors with her screaming haikus of ecstasy, but alas, I’m just too vanilla.

But – in my humble opinion (try keeping a straight face after reading that), the best part is hearing what men view as “talking dirty”. Hoe-Lee shit. Easily the most entertaining, offensive, demeaning, and thought-provoking stuff EVER. Allow me to present a brief example…..

“Suck that cock, you dirty whore! I’m going to fuck the shit out of you. You’re such a fucking slut. Now turn over, you worthless bitch….,” etc.

Whoa – bit of a difference, don’tcha think? Men sure are angry little buggers, aren’t they?

If you have a man who likes to talk to you like that during sex, and it’s not part of some specific role-playing game, then you might want to seriously reconsider your relationship. Also, I would encourage you to get a permit to carry, because your man has got some pretty severe mysoginistic tendencies, and those are the guys who usually end up on the FBI’s Top Ten.

Just sayin….

Ok – time to get ready. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend, and remember…..

When you’re with your man in bed,

And he talks like he wants you dead.

Go with the flow, but at the first chance GO!

Cuz you might end up bashed in the head.