This post is dedicated to a guy ….. wait. I’m going to stop there and back up a little. Have you ever been in a situation where you happen to meet someone completely randomly, but the chemistry is so immediate that you instantly know this person will be your friend forever? Well, I had such an encounter at a charity event I worked at last year where I met a guy, and the second we started talking, it was over. We had so much in common, even our birthdays! Our banter was effortless, and he was exactly the kind of guy you hope finds that perfect girl who will appreciate his humor and kindness.

Scooching forward, this post is dedicated to him, because he is the epitome of the type of guy who finds himself perpetually in the “Friend Zone”. Harsh, I know…. but true. He’s dated a lot and is so friendly and spontaneous that he truly is a catch. His personality is so awesome, that it actually is somewhat of a double-edged sword. You want to hang out with him all the time, but looking at him in a romantic light is almost impossible, due to his self-effacing and affable nature. It has nothing to do with him, physically. It’s just his personality. And this is actually something I’ve encountered with MANY single guys. This is not in reference to MY dating life, but rather his, and so many other men who just don’t have a clue! My hope, is that this post gets circulated to as many single guys as possible, so that they may read this, and heed its advice.

Imagine there are two ships sailing into the harbor. When the ship anchors, that’s all she wrote. Now, one of these ships is called The FriendSHIP…. and the other is called The RelationSHIP. My guess, is that most guys want to be aboard the RelationSHIP, but alas, they find themselves stuck on the FriendSHIP like it’s the Black Pearl. So how does a guy successfully jump from one ship to the other, you ask? Well….keep reading!

First, let me start by stating that in my opinion, the environment in which you meet prospective love interests is completely irrelevant, unless the environment in question, is prison. Whether it be a bar, club, library, subway station, Subway restaurant, grocery store, bus stop, etc… the first encounter is always the most important. Now I realize that there are a plethora of happy couples out there who started out as friends – good for you! But that tends to be the exception – not the rule, so stop rolling your eyes. You were acknowledged…. feel better now?

Okay, for the purposes of this post, I shall use a bar as an example, since that tends to be where a large chunk of singles mingle. Let’s set the stage….

You’re out with your buddies, the music is pumping, the alcohol (or O’Doole’s) is flowing, and as you scan the room, your eyes are immediately struck by the gorgeous woman standing with her friends only a few yards away. In that moment you have four choices: Do nothing, and once again go home to an empty house where a bottle of lotion and some tissue are waiting for you on the nightstand; discuss approaching her with your buddies to the point that they start laughing at you and bet real money on whether you’ve got the cajones to even stand up; invite her and her entire crew to join yours, or be bold and approach her solo, while she is with her friends. However, if you are going to invite the girl and her 6 friends to join you, beware of the following pros and cons.

• Pro – You will feel more confident and relaxed with your friends around
• Pro – If you and the other girl don’t really “mesh”, you might find a connection with one (or more) of her friends
• Pro – If you find yourself grasping for things to discuss, you know you’ve got your buddies there to fill the silence, or worst case scenario, suggest a round of shots
• Con – If they decline, you’re gonna feel like an idiot; especially since she’s till standing only a few yards away
• Con – One of your buddies may NOT be such a buddy, and swoop in and take her
• Con – she and her friends may be ratchet hags who just want you guys to buy their drinks…

In this story you are a good guy, not one of the millions of douche bags infesting our cities and bars, and you walk up to the girl and introduce yourself. BEWARE! This simple exchange is more important than you know…. If you are interested in her romantically, and want to AVOID immediately walking the plank to the FriendSHIP, then this is key: Introduce yourself first and then ask her for her name and simply tell her that it’s nice to meet her. Whatever you do, do NOT make a joke during the introduction, UNLESS the joke is not actually a joke, AND it’s akin to the following:

Guy: “Hi there. My name is John. How’r you doing?”

Gal: “I’m sorry – what? You said your name is Sean?”

Guy: (chuckles slightly) “Close. It’s John. But Sean works, too.”

(See? Still not really a joke, but you catch my drift…..hopefully.)

Talking too much in those first few minutes is the kiss of death for so many guys. You either:

• Talk too fast because you’re nervous, so you tell us your entire life story in 3 minutes – overwhelm much?
• Joke around so much that we end up laughing at your humor, rather than gauging your level of mystery and intrigue
• Or the WORST MISTAKE OF ALL: You are so self-effacing that we end up feeling sorry for you instead of butterflies

Now, let’s assume that you’ve introduced yourself and she’s smiling and the conversation is going great, remember this: Mystery and intrigue go a looooooong way. For example, when the girl asks you, “So, what do you do for a living?”, don’t respond with a 3 minute breakdown of all your professional acheivements and/or accolades in your chosen field. Be somewhat vague… so when she asks the above question, and let’s say, for example that you are a writer, just say, “Oh, I’m a writer,” or “I write children’s books,” or “I write poetry,” and leave it at that. If you’re JUST vague enough, you’ll peak her interest, which will most likely cause her to ask you follow-up questions. This is a good sign that she’s interested. You’ve caught her off-guard with a little bit of  mystery, and now she’s getting hooked and wants to know more.

On the extreme end, if she asks what you do for a living, and your idea of ‘mysterious and intriguing‘ is to reply with, “I’m not telling you,” or “I can’t say…” then you need more help that I can provide.

Let me sum this up as briefly as I can (which means you probably have a lot more to read, since I’m physically incapable of making ANY long story short):

When you want to be in a relationship versus a friendship, it’s important to understand that women are all pretty much, by nature, caretakers; so if you come across to us as someone who lacks confidence, or self-esteem, or you talk in a way that sounds like you’re feeling sorry for yourself, you will be immediately cast as a “friend” for a possibly indefinite period of time. When trying to woo a girl, try at all costs to avoid playing the sympathy card. Don’t talk about how hard it is to meet women, or how you think you’re a good guy so you don’t know why no one seems interested in you, etc.. Basically, anything you say that gives the girl the impression that you’ve got all the great qualities she’s looking for, except confidence, then you’re doomed. Woman are attracted to men who are confident, which is NOT the same thing as arrogant. Arrogance is one of, if not THE, most glaring red flag of ZERO self-confidence ever. Period.

Okay, back to the main point. It all comes down to something I’ve said many times to my friends, and it will probably offend a lot of you, but I never apologize for my opinions, and for THAT, I’m truly sorry….. 🙂

“No woman wants to fuck her kid.”

What I mean by that, is that because we are, in our core, care-takers, when we are around men who don’t seem to be self-assured, we immediately feel an urge to somehow “take care” of them, thus making us feel like moms, and the men our babies – hence, the above statement. There’s nothing less sexy to a woman than a man who doesn’t believe in himself, constantly feels sorry for himself, can’t support himself, or lacks the ambition to at least try.

Funny thing – this applies to marriage, as well. Look at your sex life. If it’s waning, and you’ve taken all of life’s factors into account (work, exhaustion, kids, etc.), then your wife probably isn’t sexually attracted to you at the moment. She may not admit it, but I can almost guarantee you that she’s thinking it. For me, that achilles heel is jealousy. I cannot STAND it when a man tries to tell me with whom I can and cannot associate. That is why I’m lucky enough to be married to a man who doesn’t ever really get jealous, and even if he does, he keeps it to himself because he knows that the reverse is also true. Woman don’t want to be treated like children, and…..

“No woman wants to fuck her dad.”

I think I’ve made my point, so allow me to end by stating the following:

If you want to meet a girl and sail away on The RelationSHIP instead of The FriendSHIP, don’t feel sorry for yourself, don’t talk her ear off, don’t over-share, and don’t make too many jokes, even if you’re hilarious. Wait until the first date and then use that fabulous sense of humor to keep the conversation going. Just give her a tiny preview when you first meet – that’s the intrigue. Be witty, but don’t show all your cards. Your witty banter will hook her, but if you use your sense of humor to make her laugh all night long, and you’re thinking she’s totally digging you, you’ll most likely get her number, but then you’ll find out, via text, that she’s “not looking to be in a relationship right now, but would love to hang out as friends….”

It’s possible to emote false-confidence, disguised as real confidence, as long as you don’t talk too much, too fast. That tends to turn into diarrhea of the mouth, and then Poof! you’re on The FriendSHIP.

In the end, we all want to sail away, but if you are sick of being the “bro” and want to be the “beau”, then fake it til you make it.