I know a lot of you guys are eagerly awaiting my post about my breast augmentation experience, and I can assure you, there WILL be one (I just have to write it) but I feel this subject is a much more pressing one at the moment, so here it is.

After my surgery, I was obviously laid up in bed for several days – well, more like 4 days, but I’m melodramatic, so I’m going to stick with “several”. Feel free to feel sorry for me in 3, 2, 1….. Anyhoo, while I was stuck in bed, recovering, I was so bored that I jumped on my computer to Facebook stalk random people, and then it hit me. Holy shit!!!! I have BOOBS! And Boobs = NEW CLOTHES! Unfortunately for my husband and myself, I have my credit card number memorized, and when you mix that with pain pills, what you’ve got is a recipe for disaster, albeit, a well-dressed one. But here’s where I have to stop.

Now, usually when I go shopping, if I’m not online, I’m at Target, rummaging through the clearance racks, because that place has some amazing finds. I’m a firm believer that just because you can afford Neiman’s, doesn’t mean you have to shop there. Keep in mind, I DO have a penchant for expensive things, but with 3 children, I learned long ago not to invest in anything too expensive, because it will most likely end up with some form of artwork on it, courtesy of my 3 year-old’s FABRIC markers… ugh.

So, I’m perusing the internet, where I do a lot of my shopping now, because I’ve kind of figured out my size for each website, and honestly, it’s just easier and more convenient. So I’m perusing away, and then… here’s where the problem began. I know that I won’t be able to wear anything “cute” for a few months, so I start looking for cute, fun summer dresses, rompers and shorts. Within minutes, however, I began to think that in the few days I had been drugged up and coming out of my anesthesia, Obama had passed a law BANNING shorts, because no matter what site I went to, I kept seeing what to me can only be described as gigantic denim vaginas, or for the purposes of THIS post, DENIM VAGIANTS. WHAT….THE…..FUCK…..? Who the hell wears that shit? I can only think of two classes of people; prostitutes, and prostitutes-in-training. Not only are these denim vagiants ONLY wearable if you weigh 80 lbs and have little to zero self-respect, but the retailers are still pricing them as if they used more than 6 inches of fabric- TOTAL! Ummmmmm, excuse me? If I’m going to buy something I can make at home with some Bounty Picker-Uppers and a stapler, that shit should only cost $3.00, TOPS.

In that moment, I realized a few things:

1) My daughter is NEVER leaving the house

2) My daughter is NEVER leaving the house

3) Perhaps designing a half-burqua ain’t such a bad idea.

Now let me pose the above-question again. Who in their right mind, would wear this? Let’s brainstorm, shall we?

– A toddler? Not any toddler I know, or for that matter, any toddler who ever hopes to be friends with my daughter. And on that note, any mother OR father who ALLOWS their daughter to wear that shit should be ASHAMED of themselves. You are setting your child up for a future on the stroll. Make me that $$$, HOE! Good for you, mom & dad – Your daughter is now in danger, and will probably end up a drug addict and eventually on an episode of Dateline.

– A pre-teen? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I remember one time, when I was 11, my best friend and I wanted to go to the mall, and when my mom saw her wearing makeup, she refused to take us until she “wiped that shit off her face”. EVERY time I go anywhere, and I see girls ANY age wearing something meant for a hustler at the Bunny Ranch, I can’t help but shake my head in disbelief. I have some advice for you. Watch EVERY episode of 16 & Pregnant, but change the title to 9 & Pregnant, cuz that’s where you’re headed. It’s a crystal ball, people. TAKE ADVANTAGE.

– Teenagers? Oh HELLLLL NO. First of all, who buys your daughter’s clothes? A pimp? A pedophile? Have you guys NOT seen Taken? Why on earth would you think it’s okay to let your daughter walk around like a walking advertisement for child sex-trafficking? And don’t get all defensive with me and say, “Oh! But she wears tights underneath!” PLEASE. If she’s wearing tights, it’s because when her John calls at 6pm, and she has to meet him at the local motel, she needs to be able to change quickly, so wearing “tights” just helps her get dressed faster. Down go the shorts, and ON goes the low-cut bandage dress.

Do yourselves a favor. Get your heads out of your asses. Better yet, keep an eye on your daughters, because if they’re walking around in denim vagiants, there’s a strong likelihood that someone else’s head will be headed that way.

– College girls. Need I say more?

– Adults? No adult with any iota of self-respect would dress like that. Now, I understand that when we go out to the bars and clubs, we like to sex it up a bit for attention and self-confidence, and that’s a different story. I actually don’t have an issue with that, but in that regard, I’m still not referring to the denim vagiants. If adult women, myself included, want to wear short, slutty dresses for a night on the town, go for it. After all, we’re adults, but the denim vagiants should be banned from any and all clubs. There’s a stark contrast between girls who wear tight little dresses to the clubs, and girls who wear, what I like to call, “Coochie Couture”. And it comes down to one word – bareback. I can pretty much guarantee you, that the girl with the little hot dress is going to, more often than not, use safe sex, and the girl in the denim vagiants, is more likely to end up in a bareback gang-bang in the janitor’s closet at the Mexican drive-thru next door.

Ok – back to my main point. I had to literally search FIVE websites before I found shorts that didn’t showcase my labia, and I came thisclose to contacting my Mormon friends for help. Keep in mind, lots of stores have a great selection of shorts, so don’t get yourself in a tizzy. I’m only referring to my recent experience with online shopping.

Alas, I found exactly what I was looking for, and they fit perfectly, but here’s my point. If THIS summer’s “trend” is showing off your vagina, what’s next? Penis pants? Invisible shirts? Nipple-shaped headbands? Butt-hole earrings? Where does it end?

Personally, I am a firm believer that leaving something to the imagination is sexier than showing it all off, but to each his own. But COME ON…. we’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Next time you take your daughter shopping, ask yourself this question – do I really want my pride and joy wearing something that can be easily moved to the side? (You KNOW what I mean….)  And I won’t even BEGIN to discuss the eating disorders it could potentially cause for girls who aspire to fit into that “Coochie Couture”. That’s an entirely different beast, altogether.

Bottom line? Tights or no tights, Denim Vagiants are NO BUENO.