So… I had this slumber party recently, and I asked my friends to anonymously write down questions or ideas for my blog. While I was certainly surprised by the number of serious questions I was asked, I was equally elated for the number of funny ones, as well. But there was one in particular that I have been unable to stop thinking about since that night. And before I begin this literary dissection, allow me to present you with what will probably be my favorite post, thus far, which also happened to come via a piece of construction paper and a blue crayon….

“I’d like to have a threesome with 2 men”

Holy shit.

When I read this gem, not only did a million questions run through my mind, but so did a million visuals!!!

The closest I ever came to a threesome with 2 men was when I was at a party and made out with 2 guys, back and forth. I would literally turn my head to the left…make out… and then turn my head to the right, and repeat. It only lasted a few drunken minutes, and was definitely PG, by comparison. I don’t remember a lot from that night, mostly because it was 14+ years ago, but what I DO remember…. is NOT wondering what it would be like to fuck them simultaneously. Can we say OUCH?!?!?!?!

So, I brought this up to another friend of mine, and wouldn’t you know it? She actually has HAD such an experience… WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? Perhaps more than I thought! So of course I immediately tied her to a chair, shined my flashlight in her face and began the interrogation. Let me also point out, that my friend who likes to “double dick”…get it? can’t weigh more than 100lbs. So here are just a few of the questions I asked her:

• Are you fucking kidding me?
• You mean to tell me that they were BOTH inside you at the same time???
• Did the dicks meet in the middle and high-eye each other?
• Did the dudes sword-fight?
• Were they also in each other?
• Could you walk afterwards?
• Were you worried about poop coming out?
• Talk about a wet spot!
• Were you bleeding?
• Was it consensual?
• Were you paid afterwards?
• Did you film it?
• What’s your IMBd name?

The list goes on and on…. And she reiterated over and over that it was actually a very pleasant experience and she had a jolly good time!

Now…I definitely consider myself among the least judgmental people on this planet, (unless you’re a pedophile, in which case you’re a horrible person and I hope you die a slow, horrible death), but back to my point – I wasn’t grossed out at the idea of it; what I WAS, however, was perplexed as to why anyone would volunteer to have TWO penises in them! Isn’t one enough?

Now here’s the deal, if you ARE going to tackle TWO dicks at once, I feel like there should be some sort of a double-dick boot camp to prepare you. Before you venture into the “DDD” (Double Dick Domain), you should call up your best and most trusted friend to help you practice with other items, first. Perhaps a marker in one and a crayon in the other? A toilet paper holder and a jar of Pringles? A banana and an eggplant? A bottle of Kombucha and a yam? I DON’T KNOW!!!

What I DO know, is that it’s different strokes for different folks, and if I try to look at it from a man’s perspective, I don’t see the appeal, unless you’re bisexual. If I’m imagining a woman, spread eagle, sitting on one penis and being rammed by the other, wouldn’t the men be making mostly eye contact with each other? And unless you’re bisexual, how could you possibly keep an erection? Talk about having to multitask!!! Not only are you trying to make sure you don’t cross swords with your compadre, but you also have to avoid any an all contact with your cohort, unless it’s to high-five each other. OMG – could you imagine locking eyes with the other guy? Does it become a staring contest? And being competitive by nature, I’d be so PISSED if I came before the other guy. To me it sounds like a WHOLE LOT of effort, but according to my friend, it’s totally worth it.

Me personally? I’m a one-penis kind of gal, so I can’t exactly grasp the concept of volunteering to engage in such a sexual act, but to each their own. I WILL say, though, that if you’re married, DON’T DO IT. Trust me on this. Men are more insecure than any female, any time, anywhere. And if its your husband’s idea, then I suggest you check his internet search history…. immediately.

But at the end of the day, do whatever feels good for you. It’s your vagina and your ass and who knows? It might even make childbirth a little less painful! But always remember,

“Do you what you want – after all, it’s your cunt.” <– I just made that up…. should I copyright it?

Kate