I was perusing Facebook this morning, and I read a post about a guy who had gotten hair extensions to make himself look more manly. At first I assumed I had read the sentence incorrectly, so I re-read it, but nope – it was right the first time. A man had gotten hair extensions to make himself look more manly, and he was complaining because he was receiving a lot of backlash after doing this, and he couldn’t understand why. I triple-checked to make sure the guy wasn’t somehow being sarcastic or playing a prank, and by “make sure” what I really meant was “praying that it was all a lie”). Let’s ponder this for a moment, shall we? (Take your time….., and when you’ve realized that you cannot think of even ONE reason why the above statement makes any sense, other than the fact that the man in question may have a severe Tarzan fetish, keep reading).

Now I understand that “beauty lies in the eye of the beholder”, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BUT… I wholeheartedly believe that sometimes that “eye” may have an undiagnosed case of cataracts. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, attractive to me about a guy with a mane. Hair that is JUST long enough to tuck behind the ears is okay, but anything longer than that, and I will ALWAYS be laughing at you on the inside. But it doesn’t stop there – aside from the fact that I have a high disdain for long hair on men, once you turn them around you are potentially ‘faced’ with an entirely different problem – facial hair. I will not be discussing facial hair in this post…. it would be too long to read, and I’ve got severe ADD, as it is.

Now, hair comes in all shapes and sizes, so it is only fair to categorize them so that each section may get the unique negative attention it deserves. My husband advised me to clarify that I will be labeling these in order of length – shortest to longest. Apparently my husband thinks you’re all idiots.

1. The Confuser – (not a real word)

It is so easy to spot the difference between long male hair and female hair, but when it’s shoulder-length, shit gets confusing. I’ve literally done double-takes when walking by these guys, especially ones with more feminine facial features. When I see guys with shoulder-length hair, my heart breaks for them. On the one hand, I want to commend them for dedicating themselves to this time-consuming endeavor, but on the other hand, I feel it’s potentially the perfect opportunity to let them know that it’s not too late! They can turn back now and only have to cut a few inches and then it will all just be a distant memory. But since they’ve stuck it out this long, I know in my gut that these guys are determined to do one of two things: end up a Smelly Balls (you’ll see), or go through with the gender reassignment surgery.

2. The Lying Confuser

These guys have shoulder-length hair, as well, BUT…. said long hair is only on one side, and its SOLE purpose is to cover the giant bald spot covering the rest of the head. LIARS!!!!!

3. The Mullet

“That’s pretty much all I have to say about that.” – Forrest Gump

4. The Romance Novel

Fabio – NEXT.

5. The Gay Romance Novel

Fabio + Facial Hair.

6. Even If You’re Not a Virgin, You’re a Virgin… a Demon Virgin

Oh, the Virgin. I want to take these guys under my wing and show them that there is, in fact, a world outside of Dungeons & Dragons. I want to expose them to the seemingly endless possibilities that await them outside of their AOL Chat rooms and help them release themselves from the grip of whatever white trash demon that is invading their hair follicles. I see these guys EVERYWHERE, and I actually feel myself getting ANGRY when I see one with a good-looking face. STOP FIGHTING THE HOTNESS!! Give me some scissors and I’ll give you the names of 10 of my hot, single friends. So many questions enter my mind when one of these Demon Virgins come into view, and here are just a few. For example,

• Is he in a heavy metal band?
• Was he or is he currently affiliated, in any way, with the Trenchcoat Mafia?
• Does he teach guitar lessons?
• Is he a former rock star who can’t let go of his image?
• Is he a porn star?
• Does he have smelly balls?

The list goes on and on….

7. Smelly Balls

Allow me to explain the logic behind labeling men with long, voluminous, flowy manes “Smelly Balls.” Here’s my analogy: Have you ever been to the gym and seen those guys with God-like upper bodies, and then as your eyes move southward, their bodies seem to shrink? (I also call these guys “The Exclamation Marks”) My point, is that they’re so focused on making their pecs, traps, biceps, triceps, etc. look perfect, they end up neglecting the rest of their body, so they end up looking like Gaston from Beauty & the Beast. This is the same for men with manes! They focus so much of their attention stroking, brushing, washing, and admiring their hair, that they end up neglecting the rest of their body – hence, the smelly balls. (*Give it a minute – you’ll make the connection)

8. Pandora’s Locks

This is by far the grossest of the gross for me. I apologize, in advance, if anyone reading this knows one or is one, but I feel it is my duty to put it out there. I’m talking about the guys with the LONG dreadlocks. Ewwwwwww! It doesn’t matter if it’s surrounding the guy’s head like some sort of a bird cage, or if it’s pulled back and tied in a neat, little bun. It’s gross, gross, gross, gross, gross. When I see these guys, the exact same image pops into my mind; and that is of Willie Scott sticking her hand in that nasty bug hole in order to free Indiana in the Temple of Doom. It’s clear to me that these men have ZERO nerve endings in their heads. If I go even one day without washing my hair, my scalp gets itchy and I’m convinced eggs are already being laid. I would love, out of pure morbid curiosity, to put a hidden camera inside one of their dreads and watch the real live version of A Bug’s Life. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even discover the location of Hoffa’s body.

9. I’ve Given Up On Life

These cats don’t give a flying fuuuuuck. They’ve been growing their hair out since they were wee tots, and now, in their twilight years, well… you get my drift. They ceased to set any goals in their lives, and they’re content living out their days in their trailers, drinking beer and watching Howdy Doody re-runs. I don’t see many of these guys around, but that’s probably because they’re either too busy with their other “I’ve Given Up On Life” buddies, or because life decided to give up on them first, and they’re dead.

I’m sure there are many other descriptions I could give for these guys, but the simple fact, is that if you step back and just look at the downward spiral, what starts out as simple confusion, may very well one day morph into a rotting corpse in a trailer out in Bum-Fuck Egypt.

Moral of the Story? DON’T GIVE UP ON LIFE!

(Note: This post is not aimed at kids or teenage boys out there who can’t decide whether they are a LARP, Goth, Transgender, etc., so this list only applies to adult males. We can’t hold kids to the same standards…. they have no idea who they are or what they’re doing.)