Since Valentine’s Day is coming up in a couple of days, let me start this by saying, “Happy HUMP Day!” Pun intended.

This post is not about romance and love at all, so if you’re looking for a nice, huggable read, go ahead and quit Safari now, because THIS post is dedicated to all my girls (and gay guys) who like to swallow, spit or dodge sperm. Yuck! I don’t even like saying the name!!!! I want to call it something else, and I can’t think of a more appropriate term than “un-kids” – the unknown kids that exit your man and go any number of places, one of which being your mouth.

For me personally, the mere thought of ‘swallowing’ triggers an immediate gag reflex, and I have had the unpleasant experience of actually vomiting on an ex-boyfriend’s penis. I tried covering up the snafu, but as soon as he looked down, he literally screamed and jumped in the shower. At the time, I felt horrible, but then happy, because I knew he would NEVER ask for a BJ again. Fine by me!!!!

Whether you like giving blowjobs or not, the simple fact is, is that it’s usually a part of foreplay, but if you don’t time it right, it may END at foreplay, as well. And that brings me to the main subject – when your man “finishes”, where do the un-kids go?

I remember, back in college, I had a friend who was the complete opposite of me when it came to giving blowjobs. She was so into it – I had never met anyone like her. And her favorite part WERE the un-kids! I swear, if she could have somehow invented a way to allow spooge to be served on tap, she’d spend her days sitting at the bar, telling the bartender, “Keep ’em coming” (pun intended!). I couldn’t understand it!!! For me, all I can picture is opening my mouth, and devouring millions of potential children. I imagine little baby voices screaming, “Why, Mommy? Why? It’s me, Johnny! Don’t eat me!!!!!!”

Aside from the fact that I liken swallowing to cannibalism… (just think about it), I have an extreme aversion to salt. Blech!!!!! Things always start out fine, but then the moment I taste the pre-shit; the overseasoned juice – pulp included, I want to run as fast as I can to the nearest garbage can.

But then I have other friends who are happy to just take it and spit it out. If you look at that from the un-kids’ perspectives, that’s kind of fucked up. I mean, those are you potential children!! If you’re not going to eat them, the LEAST you can do is not defile them by spitting them out like chewing tabacco! KER-SPLAT! There goes little Johnny! And poor Johnny can’t even call for help, because he’s been slowly suffocated by the t-shirt you so generously spit him and millions of his siblings into.

Then there are the “dodgers”. These girls, and some guys, make their partner give them a heads-up (KEEP THESE PUNS COMING!!!) so that they have the chance to finish with a hand-job, therefore avoiding the un-kids all together. While this might give little Johnny and his siblings abandonment issues later in life, I take comfort in the fact that their lifespans are only a few minutes long, although that might upset me even more, cuz that’s a slow way to die. What a torturous couple of minutes!

But what about the guys who don’t HAVE a sperm count anymore, due to vasectomies, genetics, etc? IT DOESN’T MATTER. I still don’t like salt.

P.S. I wonder…. do vegans swallow? If so, what hypocrites! On second thought, perhaps they just see it as ‘recycling’.