Ahhhhhh, friends. I love my friends. And as I have gotten older and wiser, so has my taste in choosing friends. When I was in my 20s, I gauged my validity as a human being solely on the number of times my cell phone rang on a Friday night, and how many people invited me to their parties. Now that I’m in my mid-30s, however, I look back at those years and laugh – MY, how things have evolved. But then again….. have they? While I would certainly assert that I am much pickier with whom I choose to spend my almost non-existent free time, there is but ONE factor that has remained the same. I’m not sure how this has continued to permiate in people once they reach a certain age, but alas, I am left with the pointedly obvious reality that my current friends, all of whom are intelligent, loyal, honest, transparent, and insane for thinking that a friendship with me is a good idea, ALL belong to at least ONE of the following categories which I am going to break down for you, and is also, in my opinion, more likely than not, a world-wide phenomenon.

Based on the feedback I received from my last post, it is abundantly clear to me that not only do people LOVE labeling others (present company included), but also that the reality is, that it’s virtually impossible NOT to – even subconsciously.

Categorizing friends is awesome, but the categories, themselves, are all really situationally-dependant. For the purposes of this particular post, I will not be categorizing friends in general; rather, I’ll be doing so from the perspective of a “Girls Night Out”.  Brace yourselves.

Just imagine, for a moment, that you and a bunch of your friends decide to rent a limo bus for a night on the town. As you look around the bus, you can already tell how the night will end for most of your friends. Why? Because you’ve spent many a weekend partying it up and having the time of your lives, so you’re familiar with their idiosyncrasies, and you KNOW that every single one of them falls into at least one of the following categories:

1. The Parent

These were the girls in college who more often than not, offered to be the designated driver. These girls are almost always the LAST ones on the bus, because they want to make sure that everyone is accounted for. They will probably ask everyone to double-check that they have their IDs, and will usually also be the ones instructing the driver. These friends are good to have around, because you know they will look out for you, and will do their best to make sure you aren’t left behind. On the downside, however, they tend to be more controlling than others, and therefore, even after a few drinks of their own, they may be prone to telling #2 and/or #5 to slow down. They may be referred to as “Mom” by at least ONE drunk friend, either to their face or behind their back. In either case, I most definitely fit into this category…. but not ONLY this one!

2. The Drunk

These friends are as unpredictable as they come. The only thing you CAN predict, however, is that by the end of the night, they will be piss drunk and may either end up leaving with a guy who only looks good through the bottom of a Guiness glass, or worse, the ex-boyfriend who they can never quite shut the fuck up about. Drunks are also extremely fun, because they’re DOWN FOR WHATEVER. Their motto in life is, “As long as there’s booze, what have I got to lose?” They push shots on you like drug dealers at a daycare, and at the end of the night, they almost ALWAYS lose at least one of the following:

• phone
• one or both shoes
• fake eyelashes
• purse
• dignity

But the ONE thing they NEVER seem to lose? Their drink! (although I can’t say the same for the straw it came with)

By the end of the night, the rest of you look at each other, hoping the lush leaves with a guy or at the very least, someone OTHER than your group, as to avoid the “cleanup fee” the limo driver charges for the high velocity puke-splatter your drunk friend will more than likely so generously offer.

3. The Hot Snob

Oh, the snob. How I love the snob. Especially the hot ones. Your hot snob always looks like $1M dollars, and just her very aura gives you the impression you that you will never be at her level, and you should feel blessed and lucky to have her merely grace you with her presence. She sits and talks like she’s a member of the fucking 1st family, and REGARDLESS of how hot the guy is that you are dancing with, she will seek out his flaws and point them out to you, repeatedly. Truth be told, these girls are almost always insecure, as are the rest of us… NO NEED TO FRONT! IT’S OK TO HAVE INSECURITIES. They’re hot, so they’re used to getting a lot of attention, so don’t be surprised if this girl, who 5 minutes ago was turning her nose up at the guy flirting with you, is now flirting with him. Don’t take it personally. They need the validation more than you – TRUST ME. Eventually, these girls will go into ‘panic mode’ once when they realize that over time their looks will fade and then they’ll fall into category #4.

4. The Ugly Snob

(SIGH) Now I understand that looks are completely subjective, and one man’s trash may very well be another man’s treasure, but the truth is, there ARE ugly people in the world. And I’m not referring to ‘inner ugliness’. I’m referring to the ugliness that no amount of makeup can cover. To be 100% blunt, these girls are an endless source of entertainment. And they come in all shapes and sizes. Some are tall and skinny, and therefore assume that TALL + SKINNY = HOT. It doesn’t! Then there are the slightly overweight girls who REFUSE to face the reality that they no longer wear the same size  they did 5 years earlier, and yet they still manage to SQUEEZE themselves into that size and smile.

If you and your ugly snob friend happen to get ready at her house, and she walks out looking like a sack of potatoes stuffed into a celery stalk, it is your DUTY, as her friend, to suggest an alternative. But BEWARE! These girls are STILL snobs, so expect some push-back, and if they insist on the celery stalk, don’t argue. It’s not worth it – TRUST ME.

5. The Slut

Sluts are a universal phenomenon. They literally will screw anyone who gives them more than 10 minutes of undivided attention. Offer to buy her a drink, she probably end up repaying you with a BJ in the bathroom. And if she fits into category #2, as well, you might end up getting that BJ right at the bar! From a personal perspective, and as a member of category #1, I tend to keep an eye on these friends, no matter how wasted I get. I’ve had many slutty friends in the past, and more often than not, they find themselves ending up in precarious situations, so it is left up to the rest of us to make sure she doesn’t get Roofied.

6. The Lesbian

Keep in mind, these friends aren’t actually lesbians. They are usually straight and then once alcohol is introduced, a switch goes off in their brain. Perhaps they are curious, and the alcohol gives them liquid courage, and now all they want to do is make out with YOU. I have vivid memories watching friends who seemed as straight as an arrow, turn into sex-crazed lesbians. I, myself, am guilty of this. When I was 21, I remember chasing one of my friends around the club, BEGGING her to make out with me. It was pathetic!!!! I wasn’t even attracted to her, and whenever I saw her, we had a lot of fun, but the moment I had a drink, all I wanted to do was mount her like a lion in the Sahara. She ALWAYS turned me down, and yet I never gave up! I owe her props – she was resilient!!!!

7. The Mean Drunk

I fucking hate these chicks when they drink. In fact, I almost always exclude them from my invite list when I go out, because I cannot deal with their “cuntness” when they drink. These girls are awesome to hang out with when very little, if any, alcohol is involved, but one drink too many, and they turn on you like a pimp on a slow day on the stroll. As soon as the “bitch switch” is flipped, they find it their obligation to tell you everything that’s wrong with you physically & emotionally, and if you DARE defend yourself, they tell you you’re in denial, and then they get even meaner. The ironic thing, is that these are ALSO usually the same girls who end up fitting into category #8.

8. The Victim

BAJEEZUS! These are the most emotionally-draining friends of ALL the categories. Why? Because while they smile and “WHOOHOO!” the night away, they are also almost always the SAME girls who spend the last minutes waiting for the limo to come back sulking on the sidewalk, letting everyone within earshot know why their lives are meaningless and pathetic, and are therefore not worthy of having friends at all. And GOD FORBID one of the other girls in the group doesn’t chase after her, “there- there-ing” her and stroking her fragile ego. I can tell you, I REFUSE to follow these chicks. I let them have their pity parties on the sidewalk and in the limo, and I am more than happy to offer them a tissue to wipe away the mascara avalanching from their eyes, but I go to bed knowing that I can almost certainly expect a mass “apology” text from said friend to the entire group the next day.

9. The Fun One(s)

Call me arrogant, but I’d like to think that I fall into this category, as well. In fact, 99.9% of my friends do. Otherwise, why be friends at all? These girls are great, because they are guaranteed to make you laugh, give advice, or make such asses of themselves that they make for good story-telling at a later party. These Good Time Charlies are down for WHATEVER, because they make their OWN fun. MY BEST memories are with these girls. And if one of these friends is a good shit-talker, find them IMMEDIATELY if you run into your ex, whom you can’t shut the fuck up about, or any guy you “think” is hot at 2am. They will wash away any and all doubts within seconds.

10. The Broke One

Regardless of how much or how little $$$ this friend has in the bank, they will almost ALWAYS find an excuse NOT to pitch in. This category is short, because nothing irks me more than a leech. If you can’t afford to pitch in, then don’t come. I will call your ass out!!!!!

11. The Buzzkill

And finally we have The Buzzkill. I often wonder why these friends ever even bother coming out at all. They spend the entire evening sitting there, or standing around, looking miserable and wishing a magic carpet would appear and whisk them away. I find myself staring at them, trying to read their minds, but I know that if I were successful, all I would hear or see would be white noise and snow. Keep a close eye on those friends…. we’ve all heard the adage, “It’s always the quiet ones….”

Summarization: The next time you go out with friends, keep this list in mind. Guaranteed, they ALL fall into at least one. I, myself, am #s 1, 6 & 9. What’s yours?