A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with a girlfriend, and we were discussing the best topic ever – sex. Sex talk provides an endless supply of fodder, and it is a topic full of adjectives. Sex can be fun, exciting, romantic, kinky, and wonderful. But it can also be time-consuming, boring, painful, awkward, sweaty, messy, and an all-around experience you truly wish could be wiped from your memory. Eraser, anyone?

Anyhoo, we were discussing sex, and she asked me what my idea of a vagina should look like, and how much or little hair should be present. That’s right, folks. We’re talkin’ ’bout pubes. Now this is a particularly fun topic for me to discuss, because it truly is a subjective one. You may not agree with my opinions, and that’s exactly why they’re like assholes. Everyone’s got one, and I encourage you to examine yours – it might be in need of a trim.

Now, back to vaginas. Pubes are a personal preference. For me, I don’t particularly like having hair down there. I’ve had the unfortunate experience of having past boyfriends pull them out of their teeth, and it is an awkward experience, to say the least. I remember one time, it was so stuck that I had to actually HELP the guy get it out. I laughed… he didn’t. Needless to say, I’ve been bare down there ever since.

Now, being completely devoid of hair is not for everyone, nor SHOULD it be. Some vaginas probably look better WITH hair. Hopefully, you’re not one of “those”, but if you are, bummer. And then there are the vaginas I call “born for porn.” You know what vaginas I’m talking about – the ones that look like they’re always wearing foundation, and have landing strips that a miniature plane could very plausibly land on. Believe me, not ALL porn pussy looks like that, but the ones worth watching do.

But let’s be honest, vaginas aren’t really that attractive to begin with. In fact, hair was probably an afterthought that was put there at the last minute as a cheap bandaid, because let’s be honest. When you shave all that hair off, what you are left with does, in fact, resemble an open wound. Seriously. Vaginas come in a variety of styles. Some look like they could fly away at any moment, while others are content to chill between their owners’ legs like a 13 year-old lap dog. Then you have the one that always appears to be sticking its tongue out, and let’s not forget the Vagiant. Yea – I said it. The giant vagina – the VAGIANT! I had a friend with one, and it was horrible!!! Unless she was wearing pants, you could ALWAYS see the outline through her clothes.. I’m not even sure how?! And when she wore bathing suits, her “lips” literally looked like they were eating her bottoms. I often wondered, “Are there teeth in there?”

Okay, back to the subject at hand. After having my daughter, it was very strange for me to look at her and then in the mirror and realize that our “girly parts” looked so similar, so I tried growing the hair out. It was a strange experience, to say the least. At first, it was super itchy…. but then, it started to soften. And eventually, I found myself petting it, while watching TV… what the fuck? That was my cue that enough was enough, and the ‘fro had to go!

Recently, however, I met a man who informed us that his wife sports full 70’s bush. And when I say “bush”, I literally mean homegirl has an homage to Soul Train between her legs. And the funniest/most fucked up part, is that she was on the other side of the room, and had no idea that her husband was ratting her out. (Or in this case, Afro-ing her under the bus). LMAO!

Here’s the bottom line. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes. Some look like hairless cats, and others look like hairless bats. Some could braid their pubes, while others just keep the hair trimmed and neat. Whatever floats your boat. But remember, avoid the VAGIANT at all costs, and if you ever discover that one of your friends has one, don’t make direct eye contact with it. I’ve heard they possess magical powers, and you may very well end up turning to stone.