Ahhhh….. I lost count many eons ago of how many times I have successfully implanted my foot into my mouth, and today was just another notch on my belt. I had just finished getting my hair done by an AMAZING hairstylist (if you want her info, private message me), and I then headed to Wahoo’s to pick up lunch for the family. Aside from the fact that Wahoo’s has turned into a new branch of the Boys & Girls Club, the food is still amazing. Anyway, I put in my to-go order, and then sat on the couch and started playing Candy Crush. Since the couch is located right in front of the counter, I am privvy to all the random and interesting folk who walk up and literally give me material to write about, without even knowing or trying. What followed was a perfect example of why I need to learn to shut my mouth. It is lesson that has been taught to me, in vain, MANY times, by MANY teachers, parental figures, and even some friends (you know EXACTLY who you are), all to no avail.

So…. I’m sitting on the couch, patiently waiting for my order to be called, and a father and his son sit next to me. Since you can’t HEAR an accent over the computer, I’m going to do my best to improvise, but basically imagine the most flaming gay man possible, and how such a flamer would speak.

“How’th my thon feeling today? What do you call and animal withhhhhh fur? Withhhhhhh featherssssssss, with thcales….?” And it went on….

At that point, I smiled and said, “I love watching you with your son. Being here without my kids makes me feel like I’m on vacation! Oh, and I think it’s so great that you are married to your partner – everyone deserves happiness!” ( he was wearing a wedding ring)

If I was smart, I would have stopped there, but…. I didn’t. I then went on to say, “I don’t see what the problem is. If two men genuinely love each other, why SHOULDN’T they be able to get married??? I’m so stoked for you guys.”

His response? “WhaTTTTT are you talking about?! (again, imagine a Raver Twink talking) I’m not gay!” Right then his wife walked up and said, “Are you okay?” “No!”, said the Twink, “this woman just accused me of being gay.” The wife shot daggers right at me, and instead of profusely apologizing, I smirked and said, “Oh come on! This can’t be the firtht (yep NOT a typo) time you’ve heard thith…” (again – NOT a typo)

And for the record, you can’t be ACCUSED of being gay, because THAT would imply that it’s somehow a crime…. but do you want to know what IS a crime? LIVING IN DENIAL!!!!

The best part?!?!?!?! The lady didn’t answer me…. which was an answer in and of itself. Which brings me to the question, How the hell can a straight woman be turned on by a voice that is akin to Sylvester the Cat? I really wanted to ask him to say “Suffering Suckatash”, but I knew I had already outworn my welcome, and my name hadn’t even been called, so I was then forced to sit, awkwardly, next to this FID (Family-In-Denial) for 2 more minutes!!!! I didn’t DARE make eye contact, cuz I KNEW if eye contact was made, I’d laugh and then get punched in the face (which, let’s be honest, I totally deserved).

Needless to say, regardless of how much I deep-throated my foot (which we all know Twink practices on the DL – sans foot) I’m hoping and praying that tonight, when Twink and his beard are getting hot and heavy, a lightbulb goes off and they finally have the conversation that’s been weighing on Twink’s mind since junior high.

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,

When will you come to terms with how gay you really are?

No one cares, you’re free and proud,

Tho thay you’re gay, and thay it loud.