Today is Wednesday, January 22, 2014, and I’m currently on day 3 at home with 3 sick children. For some reason, they picked Sunday to practice the idea that “sharing is caring”, because they all have ear infections, and 66% of them also have pink eye. Sweet.

This is literally my first time blogging so, like virginity, the process is somewhat painful, and depending on the feedback I receive, may very well be an incident I try extremely hard to forget.

Chronologically speaking, I’m 34, but that’s not entirely accurate, so I should probably break it down for you.

Mentally, I range from about age 6 – 55, depending on where I am, or whom I am with. My sophisticated friends try in vain to get me to act like a lady, so to speak, but I’m convinced that in a past life I was a sailor/court jester, so my friends will most likely be waiting a while.

Physically, I’m all over the board. From the neck up, I’m 34. My breasts, however, thanks to my kids, belong on a 65 year-old West African tribal shaman, and my stomach could easily be confused for a stucco wall. Aside from the fact that I am literally forced to lift my FUPA in order to “shave”,  the udders protruding from my chest are so devoid of tissue, that the mere spray from the shower causes them to sway back and forth like a metronome. (Side thought: I wonder if there’s a market for that..)

Luckily for the world, my husband, myself, and most importantly, my friends who have had to listen to me bitch for the past 2 years, Mommy’s getting boobs in 6 weeks, so let’s see if we can turn these mammilae into something a female pre-op transsexual WOULDN’T be jealous of.