This was another topic about which I was asked to discuss, and it is one that I know many friends and strangers can relate to. I cannot and will not, in any way, attempt to know or understand what it’s like to struggle to start or expand a family, so there’s a strong likelihood that some of you may read this and roll your eyes. That’s ok. This post wasn’t meant for everyone.

I remember sitting with my best friend in 9th grade and we were drawing on our trapper-keepers. I kept writing Katie Leto over and over and over again, because I just KNEW that one day, Jared would come sweep me off my feet and we’d live happily ever after. I had already decided that when we had a little girl, we would name her Kenna. I never bothered thinking of a boy’s name…..

Fast forward 20 years, and here I sit at my computer, writing about infertility while my 3 children, none of them named Kenna, by the way, sit and enjoy watching Frozen for the umpteenth time. And as I listen to them giggle and sing, I can’t help but think about my friends who struggled for years to conceive, some who still struggle, and others who have come to the realization that they will never have children of their own.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like to wait, month after month for that + sign to show up, only to be repeatedly disappointed. I can imagine, however, that if it were me in that situation, I’d be punching walls, screaming on the inside and feeling resentment towards any and every person who walked around gloating about their kids. Of course, I would never tell my friends this; instead, I would do what I usually do when I’m struggling with something – I’d keep it inside and put up a tough exterior, all the while wanting to crawl into my bed, bury my head under my pillow, and scream, “Why me? Why us? What the FUCK is WRONG?!”

I’d like to tell anyone out in the world who may be struggling to start a family or expand their family, that you are not alone. I know it may feel that way, but trust me – you’re not. I know so many women who have confided in me that they’re either constantly disappointed when their period comes, or that they feel elated to finally be pregnant, only to miscarry shortly thereafter. It’s not an easy thing to talk about. You must feel like there’s something inherently “wrong” with you, but I can assure you, there’s not. Sometimes bad shit just happens, and things take longer than expected, and sometimes, the things we want most in this world, never come to fruition, at all.

If I’m coming across as indifferent, that is not my intention. When I was asked to discuss this subject, I wasn’t even sure I could. It’s not fair for me to sit back and try to “there-there” other adults, nor is it something I can accurately describe, emotionally. What I CAN do, however, is just put it out there and reiterate that:

• YOU ARE NOT ALONE
• There is nothing “wrong” with you, even if there is something physiological preventing you from conceiving
• Never give up on yourself, your partner or your dreams of starting or expanding your family
• Even couples with 5 children very well may have spent YEARS trying for their 1st or 2nd
• You don’t know the timeline of anyone else’s journey, so don’t presume to
• When you need to talk or vent about your struggles, don’t keep it inside. It’s not healthy for you physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, or otherwise

I’ve got a tendency to not think before I speak (shocker, I know), and have found myself asking couples about their “family plans” when it’s really none of my business. Think about it. If you’re struggling to conceive, do you really want someone asking you, every month, “How’s the baby-making coming along?” How’s that any of my business, let alone anyone else’s?!?

The same can also be said for friends who already have a child, but want another. It’s easy to assume that these families are just content with one, and then we find ourselves asking, “When will little Suzy have a baby brother or sister?”, as if only having one child is a bad thing. But that’s just it. Perhaps they DON’T only want one. Perhaps they had an easy time getting pregnant with the first child, but then subsequently found it nearly impossible to repeat such success. I can’t imagine what that must feel like, but I can CERTAINLY imagine what I’d want to say to someone who asked ME that question, and it would probably be something along the lines of, “Mind your own fucking business and focus on your own sex life.”

I’d like to end this post with an adage my mother used to tell me, and that is that “A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.” This can be applied to fertility, because sometimes that journey only NEEDS one step, and other times, you may travel all one thousand miles, only to feel like you’re still at the starting line. In either case, keep your bags packed, and don’t give up on your journey. And guaranteed, your friends will never give up on you, either.