Happy Saturday! I have the house to myself and our dogs, at least for an hour, so I’m taking this opportunity to reflect on something that completely outraged me…. and it comes courtesy of the cast of the Project Runway All-Stars Reunion Show. Yes, I love that show. I watch every season and I’m in awe of their talent…. BUT, there is something one of them said which I must take to task. When asked by the host, Alyssa Milano, what trend they would like to see go away, one of the cast members immediately yelled, “Leggings as Pants.” This was followed by a collective “Yes” from most of the fellow cast members, and to that I say, “oh hell naw.”

I LOVE LEGGINGS. I LOVE LEGGINGS. I LOVE LEGGINGS.

Was I clear enough? I hope so! First, I’d like to state, emphatically, that leggings as pants are completely different from “yoga wear”. Ok – now that that’s out of the way….

I love leggings. Wanna know why? Well I’ll tell you why. Simply put, leggings are fucking awesome. Here are a few reasons why:

1) Leggings are the perfect pant when you’re bloated. Throw a tunic over them and boom, no one knows you’re bloated.

2) There are an infinite number of designs, so one can literally introduce themselves without saying a word. How? Here’s how. For example, I happen to own a pair of black spandex leggings with the bones of my lower body as the design. It essentially looks like the bottom half of my body is stuck inside an x-ray machine. So let’s say I rock those out at a bar one night. Wanna know what those leggings and the fact that I’m wearing them in public says about me? It says, “That chick is weird. She is crazy. She does not give a fuck! She’s bold. She’s confident. Did I mention she’s fuckin’ crazy?” And guess what? All the above are true!

Likewise, if I walk in wearing a pair of leggings with the outline of Manhattan skyscrapers down the side-seams, that tells you again that I’m quirky, unafraid to take certain fashion risks, and perhaps even come from NYC. It’s an ice-breaker. You’ll approach me at the bar and say, “Are you from NYC?” And I’ll say, “No.” But still… it’s a conversation starter, n’est-ce pas?

Now, if my leggings are covered in candy canes, cupcakes, and daffodils, I’m probably a serious user of molly.

If they’re coated in roses or flowers? Depends…. as in, she’s probably wearing them. Anyway, you catch my drift….

3) They are the perfect Twerk-wear. I love getting down and dirty at da club, y’all, and it’s all possible, thanks to that pair of leggings I’m rocking. I can deep-squat the night away, and smirk as all the money-hungry tigers spend the night see-sawing between pulling down their hems and making the rounds, hoping to find her Prince Charging… oops, I meant Charming. Wait, no I didn’t – I did mean Charging… as in “charging the shit outta his credit card!” Ya herrrrd?

4) They’re flattering as hell. I get the most compliments on my ass when I’m in leggings. Especially when I’m rocking ones made with a thicker fabric, because they fit like a pair of spandex, so you look 30% smaller. My inner thighs are best friends. At least, I assume they are since they’re so fucking inseparable (ugh), but in leggings, they get a much-needed break. Pair them with heels and shazam! You look like a vixen. Win, muthafuckin’ win.

Okay… I’m done talking about leggings….which I love and have no intention of not loving….ever, so now let’s get to what this post is really about, which is what trends should go away….forever. Pay attention, Project Runway All-Stars cast…

P.S. Congrats, Dmitri!!!! #loveyourdesigns

1) Sneaker Booties

What………..the fuck….. was so bad in our society, that platform tennis shoes with built-in cleats and slits became an attractive piece of footwear?

Are you fucking kidding me????? I’m seeing shit like this everywhere, and now I’m convinced, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the end of the world is near. Just fucking decide! Do you want to wear heels, or do you want to wear sneakers? You can’t have it both ways, people. Where do you need to run and be tall? A strip club? Is this Jack and the Bean Stalk? Are you going to a gym with giants? I don’t get it. And I WON’T be getting them, unless it’s meant as a gag gift, as in, I’ll be gagging as I hand them over.”

These are the ugliest things I have ever seen. When you look online, they always have a tall, 90lb chick rocking these with a crop top and a flowy skirt. The shoes literally look like they are eating her legs. But I’ve also seen them on heavyset folk…. they can’t actually see their feet, so they get a pass. I just tell myself someone else dressed them.

Please don’t buy these… and those of you who are my HOMIÉS, please don’t buy these for me…..EVER.

2) Forehead Headbands

You know who looks great in forehead headbands? Anyone….under the age of 20.

Everyone else needs to just slow down and think about what they’re doing. I’m dead serious. And I know I have friends who rock these, and I don’t say anything out loud, but in my head, I’ll admit that I am in fact thinking the following:

“Doesn’t that annoy your forehead? Did you forget your DOB? What statement are you trying to make with that foreband? Doesn’t that annoy your forehead?”

Hey, maybe you just really like them and don’t care that you look silly. I completely and totally respect that. Hold on… give me a sec… I’m trying to keep a straight face while typing.

Unless you’re at a theme party or a bohemian wedding, or on the set of Forrest Gump or Hair, push that shit up on TOP of your head. You look like you’re trying to keep something from escaping your face and it freaks me out. What are you trying to keep restrained? What’s back there? I’m scared. Daddy!!!!!

3) Maxi-Miniskirt

Talk about an oxymoron!!!!! I hate this look so much, I really don’t even know how to put it into words. I should just let the photo speak for itself.

That is fucking hideous. I dare you to argue with me. Where are you headed? A conservative brothel? Are you schizophrenic? Are your personalities fighting with each other? Make up your mind!!!!! Whaaaaaaaa. 😦

4) Jeans With Giant Holes Next To Your Vagina

And No doubt, your dumb ass paid $200 for these….

What exactly am I looking at? Were you attacked at the zoo? is this part of some hazing ritual? Why?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Not only do you look ridiculous… but you also look cold. I want to wrap my sweatshirt around you and hold you tight. But then again, if you’re wearing these, you’re obviously not adverse to air-born STDs, so maybe I don’t want to come near you, after all. Please buy normal jeans…. I don’t care if they’re covered in slits and have holes in the knees, but the photos I posted above take this shit to an entirely new level, and it’s sad. You look homeless. You look slutty. And did I mention cold?

5) Cut-out Swimsuits

Are you trying to have the worst tan lines imaginable? Not only that, but you can’t even consider a cut-out swimsuit unless you’re in insane shape. Swimsuits are unforgiving, and so am I!

What the hell is going on here? Could you not afford an entire bathing suit? Is the rest on layaway? Listen, looking at the pictures, I can see the appeal, but pay attention. What do all these girls have in common? Insane bodies. I am not a politically correct human being. I do not believe that I should have to watch what I say or censor myself for fear of offending people. Life is wayyyy too short for that. And I am perfectly entitled to my opinion, as is everyone else. Having said that, I, Kate Robinson, am not a firm believer that everyone should be able to wear whatever they want. You know that saying, “If you don’t like how I look, then look away?” Well how about, “If you dress like an idiot, don’t be surprised when I give you dirty looks and exploit your poor taste for my own people-watching amusement.”? That seems like a fair trade.

You do you, and I’ll do me, cuz I’m my own person, and I am free.

These bathing suits are so unforgiving that I don’t understand the appeal in the first place. If I had a body like that, I’d try one on and take a selfie so I could admire myself later, but I wouldn’t actually buy it. If you have the body, and don’t plan on being naked around people for at least a week, then rock the shit out of these suits. They look great in photos….annnnndddddddd that’s about all they’re good for. But I’m telling you…..you look like a human stencil. If that’s your goal, congratulations. You have succeeded. I’m sure your Geometry professor would be proud.

5) High Water Pants/Jeans

I. Am. Not. Blind. I can tell the difference between a cigarette pant, a crop, hipster style, and straight high waters. No excuses. No excuses, people!!!! Especially when you make them high waters on purpose.

Isn’t your penis in pain? Isn’t it?! I’m a genuinely concerned citizen. What makes you think these are cool? You look like a man-child. And a dweeb. (sigh) Seriously, how does your penis feel? Is it squinting? I know if I was a penis, and I was jabbed up inside, chafing against denim or corduroy, I’d be one unhappy dick. Poor penis. I’m squinting just thinking about it.

Okay…. I have a zillion more, but this goddamned headache won’t go away. I’ll write more later….. maybe. Can’t make any promises, other than if I see you on the street or at the beach wearing any of the above, I will shove my card into your hand and insist that you read this post.

Bisous!