Happy Wednesday! I hate “Hump Day”……It’s too played out. Anyhoo, I had a visit from one of my closest friends yesterday, and unbeknownst to her, she gave me the inspiration for today’s post. This inspiration came from a story she told me about some old, angry jerk who cut her off, repeatedly on the highway, flipped her the bird – without provocation, I might add, and wouldn’t stop giving her dirty looks. Then the best thing happened. A Highway Patrol Officer saw him cutting her off….. and promptly pulled that motherfucker OVA! Karma? Meet Douchebag. Douchebag? Meet Officer Whatever His Name Was. Now have a nice day, bitch.

So this brings me to today’s post: Cartiquette, or “Car Etiquette” for you slower folks. 🙂 Cartiquette is a set of Do’s & Don’ts – well, mostly DON’Ts – that all people should follow in order to avoid rampant road rage, especially from yours truly. I wish I was joking. Just ask my husband. Keep in mind, these are MY opinions, so if you don’t agree, feel free to comment. I love a good debate. Just keep it classy, people. This is not a forum for Ratchets.

Okay. Here are, in my opinion, actions that blatantly and metaphorically spit in the face of proper Cartiquette. Also, these are in no particular order of importance; but one thing is true. If you are guilty of any of these, then you are an asshole.

1.) NOT Using Your Blinker at a 4-way Stop

Listen, we already know how fucking awkward it is when four cars are at a stop sign, simultaneously, and we all look at each other’s windshields to see if we’ve been given “the nod or wave” or are waiting to “nod or wave”, ourselves. There’s a split-second where you think you may actually be able to read the drivers’ minds, so you let up on the brake. But then so do they! So you then all immediately brake again. You look at each other and that’s when you realize that one of these motherfuckers needs to put their blinker on. What do you want from ME? I’m going straight, dude! I don’t know which fucking way you’re headed!!! Are YOU going left? Is he going RIGHT? There are too many possible scenarios, so someone needs to SIGNAL. It’s not even hard. It’s literally a lever or button TWO inches from your hands, which should be on the wheel and NOT your cell phone, bt-dubs.

So, let’s assume that at this moment, one of the drivers decides to turns his right signal on. Great! Now you only have to worry about 2 drivers. Process of elimination, people. And by this time, if you guys still can’t figure out who goes first, you’ll probably begin to collectively laugh…… UNLESS…. UNLESS…..one of you is an SSSM, otherwise known as a Stop Sign Sucker McFucker. You. Guys. Suck. Balls. I looooooaathe you. I detest you. And you’re everywhere. YOU are the douche who hits a 4-way stop with other cars and rolls straight through, without giving a second thought about, oh I dunno… the SAFETY and LAWS that govern our roads? The other three drivers who may, at that moment, have crashed into you, or vice versa, because you’re too busy thinking about yourselves to bother noticing the other human beings around you? You arrogant pricks!!! We’ve ALL got places to be – who the hell are you to decide who goes first?

* I see several at the kids’ school – moms & dads. God, I fucking hate your faces.

Okay, moving on…

2.) Washing Your Windshield In Slow Traffic

Okay, people. If you’re in dead-stop traffic, or even slow traffic, DON’T take that time as an opportunity to wash your fucking windshields. When I’m behind a car, and the car in front of me turns on the wipers, THAT is the moment in which I feel that my car is effectively being sexually assaulted. Why, you ask? Well let’s think about it, shall we? Many of us call our cars our “babies”, and we love and take care of them, and one day while I’m taking my car-baby out for a leisurely stroll, you decide to give your car-baby a quick bath. Well guess what? During that “bath”, your car-baby spooged on my car-baby’s face, without consent. So I ask you – what ELSE would you call that? Your car-baby gave my car-baby a “facial”, and I strongly feel that it should be well within my rights to press formal charges. Especially when, now that you’ve cleaned your car-baby, I now have to do the same thing to the poor guy behind me & his car-baby, who will then think my car-baby assaulted his, and so on and so forth. It’s a Domino Effect, people. A Domino Effect.

Bottom Line? Unless you are on the road, and twenty-five birds and bugs simultaneously decide to shit and die on your windshield, you can WAIT. Just wait!

3.) Honking At Me When the Light’s Been Green for .00000007 of a Millisecond

First of all, if you’re in that big of a hurry, then you need to call 911 and get a police escort. WTF is wrong with you? Give my neurons a chance to connect! I’ve got synapses and brain waves and nerve-endings and a whole bunch of other shit that all need to come together and work as a team just so I can have enough awareness to let my foot off of the brake pedal. GIVE ME A SECOND! I could understand if it’s been four full seconds and the person in front of you hasn’t hit the gas – I’m a four second time limit honker, myself, but it’s almost as if the person honking at you is either psychic and knows the exact moment the light is going to turn green, OR this person has a remote panel in their possession that controls the stoplights, and therefore knows exactly when it’s safe to go. You know what I say to your kind? RELAX. And I say “RELAX“, because I can’t think of a single instance in my life where someone – anyone – told me to “RELAX” and it had the desired effect. EVER. So when I tell you to RELAX, I hope it completely and totally pisses you off.

4.) Speeding Up When the Car Next To You Signals That They Want To Change Lanes

Oh……My…… God. This is easily one of the douchiest moves any driver can make. Ever. Point, blank, period. If I’m cruising down the highway, and I turn on my signal, knowing that there’s enough room so that if the person in the other lane slows down a quarter of a mile an hour I can make a safe transition, and the driver in the other lane immediately speeds up so that I may not enter, you are drawing a line in the sand. What. Is. Your. Problem. Please tell me! I want to know what I’ve done – a perfect stranger in this vast world of diversity and culture that caused you such angst and hatred towards me that the mere idea of me entering your lane is a douche-bag trigger? I just don’t get it. But it’s fucking rude. And what’s even ruder???? When I’m trying to get over so that I may exit, and the d-bag to my right speeds up so I can’t get over…. but then speeds up and gets in MY lane? Really??!!!! I’m trying to EXIT the highway, you idiotic SHMUCK. Why would you try to ruin my chances of successfully exiting the highway when you’re just getting on. I’m effectively GIVING YOU MY SPOT. Be grateful, asshole.

5.) Blasting Music w/the Windows Down, While Cruising a Parking Lot

Do I even need to elaborate? I get it. I love blasting my music when I’m driving, too. Hip-hop and house, all the way, although my windows are UP when such blasting takes place. BUT…..  while walking into Ralph’s for some groceries & Valentine’s Cards for my son’s 2nd grade picnic, my children or any children, for that matter, don’t need to learn that a “Nigga can make his skrilla, while his baby mama is a killa”. Grow the fuck up. At that volume level, only the people IN the parking lot can actually hear the words, anyway, and NONE of us requested that song on the jukebox. You, however, cannot hear the lyrics, because you are deaf. And insecure. And silly. And hopefully in your teens, cuz if I see an adult pull that shit, it’s all over.

6.) Cutting You Off Just to Get One Car Ahead

HAHAHAHHAAHAAHAHAHHA. You’re such an idiot. And now that I’m right behind you, you can take any opportunity you want to look in your rearview mirror at me. I’ll be laughing.

7.) Yelling At Me Through a CLOSED Window

Ummmmm…. I’m 100% open to hearing you out and listening to what you have to say; you’re obviously extremely angry with me for some reason, and I can tell so by your expression and hand gestures that you’re a really passionate person, but….. you kinda need to roll down the window. Otherwise, I’m going to assume you’re serenading me, so I’ll probably smile and wave. Yikes – won’t THAT piss you off…

8.) Cutting In Line

Hey, buddy! You see me way the fuck back here in line? It’s this crazy thing we do in society called waiting our turn. Why does Joe Blow get to find parking at the races before I do? Who the hell gave you the Road Ring? Get in line with the rest of us and be patient. Of course, I must admit, I am TOTALLY a cutter, but at least I keep my distance. I’m not one of those insane cutters who waits ’til the last possible minute. I look for a giant truck – they tend to be the ones who leave the most space between cars…. hint hint.

9.) Driving Slow in the Fast Lane

Oh bajeezus my fuck. People in this category were sent here by the Debbil. The Debbil! Mama Said, y’all. Mama Said!!! Frankly put, you folks need to MOVE…….THE FUCK………OVER. The fact that you even have a driver’s license would suggest that you know which lane is which. And if not, then please turn your license BACK in to the DMV, sooner rather than later. Listen, I try not to stereotype on my blog about specific ethnicities/background/AGES of people….. so I’ll just say nothing, and leave it at that. I think we all know what’s up. Having said that, why would you drive 50mph in the fast lane? Don’t you know bitches wanna race? JK – But seriously, I want to tailgate them so badly, but in the back of my mind, since I’m convinced these “people” are demon spawn, I know they’ll slam on the brakes and claim a broken…. well, everything. And if you try to pass them? They speed the fuck up! WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE!?! Get out of the way! (sob sob) God, I hate you.

10.) Leaving Your Blinker On

Seriously? Seriously……How do you not notice that blinking light? Or the clicking? Or the light AND the clicking? If you can’t notice THAT, how the hell are you supposed to notice brake lights 30 yards ahead of you? You’re so dangerous! And I can’t decide which pisses me off more – the one who leaves their blinker on for the duration of the drive, or the one who leaves it on, and THEN decides to change lanes right as you try to speed up after generously offering them a slot. Time is up, nerd. I tried to be nice and let you guys in, but you send mixed signals (no pun intended) and eventually I just moved forward.

Cartiquette is a very important topic that definitely deserves further discussion, so if you think of more, comment or email me. And I know. I didn’t include any DO’s, but that’s because I’m bored and want to watch a TV show. Bye!