The boys are out of school for two weeks. My downstairs is in a current state of utter chaos. I haven’t bathed in a long time, and I am currently battling a cold, so today is probably the worst day to post. But then again…. perhaps it’s the best day to post, because I’m so annoyed with everything & everyone that I will probably just let it ALL out.

After my amazing birthday celebration, I wrote a post entitled, “Friends & Frauds”. This post was aimed at explaining how much I love my friends, and what attributes I feel qualify someone as a “friend”. Today’s post is a little different. Today’s post is dedicated to all the amazing women who have managed to surround themselves with diverse group of people. Unfortunately, among these people, there is almost always at least one or more nasty, ratchety, basic bitches who “call themselves” your friend, but the term is about as loose as their overly-stretched vaginas.

The following information will detail certain types of people to “avoid” calling a friend. Just think of friendships like you would the stock market. If you’re surrounded by a bunch of “Apples”, you’re doing all-right, stock is high, and people want a piece…. But if you find yourself hangin’ with the “Enrons”, your value as a respected human being will plummet, no one will want to be associated with you, and you will have potentially made yourself persona non-grata. No bueno.

• Misery Loves Company

Women in this category love throwing pity parties, and when they do, they expect everyone around them to drop their lives in order tend to their insecurities. Be wary when you share your accomplishments with such women. They will often either downplay their happiness in order to make you second-guess yourself, or they will be OVERLY happy for you in a way that’s more sour than sweet…and then they will probably proceed to call you a snob or braggart behind your back. They’re only happy when they’re doing better than you, and cannot handle other friends’ successes and happiness. This is true both personally and professionally. I feel bad for these girls. I really do. If only they knew how much having such a negative attitude directly effected their energy, and no one with that kind of energy is EVER going to attract a quality guy. They will undoubtedly fall for an arrogant, new-money guy, so they can feel superior to those around them. They will make sure you know about all of their material possessions, even if they do it in a way that makes them seem embarrassed that they’re even telling you – trust me, they’re liars. They’re not embarrassed – they’re insecure. But don’t worry – they’ll still find a way to feel sorry for themselves. These women LOVE to play the “One-Up” Game… I’ve got news for you. The second you start that game, you’ve already lost. Game over, bitch. Read some self-help books and call me when you’re done projecting.

• Trifling Whores

Don’t be surprised if half the town knows what her insides look or feel like. Now, I’m not comparing this to men, so don’t bother accusing me of enabling the “double-standard” we all know exists between women and mens’ sex lives. But seriously, how is this friend not bow-legged? I have had friends like this, and part of me wanted to subtly suggest they look into a life in porn. They fucked so many different dudes, they would have made way more money doing it as a job, rather than for the roughly $30 (give or take $25, depending on the level of triflinishness) the guy spent buying them the drinks required to eventually get them in bed.

Do this – next time you’re out with this type of friend, pay attention to how many drink she gets or doesn’t get from any given man… there is a mathematical practicality to this logic. Vaginas are priceless for the confident female, so therefore there really is no dollar amount you can put on a girl like this. However, for the Enrons, it’s all calculated. For example:

Enron #1 – 3 drinks x $12 per drink that leads to sex = $36 trifling whore

Enron #2 – 4 shots x $8 per shot which leads to sex = $32 trifling whore

Enron #3 – 3 compliments and telling her what she wants to hear, which leads to sex = (see below) 

• I Literally Have Zero Self-Esteem

Listen, I have known many amazing women over the years who suffer from terrible self-esteem, and the ways in which they compensate varies. I am not suggesting, in any way, that having little to no self-esteem makes you a trifling ratchet bitch – it is a matter of how you deal. Many girls fake confidence, myself included at times, and others tend to just be more introverted or just plain shy. BUT….the Enrons to which I am referring deal with their lack of self-esteem by doing the WORST thing possible. They literally make themselves open to anything. Let me put it like this:

You’re out at the bar, and a group of guys are yelling and ask you guys to lift your tops or shake your ass…. the ENRON of the group will proceed to do one or both. I know you know what I’m talking about….. We’ve all had one of “those”…. I WAS one of those at a birthday celebration back in college. I was in a limo with a bunch of other girls, and thought it perfectly ok to stand up through the open sunroof, and pull my top down for all of *Garnet Avenue to enjoy. At the time, I didn’t even think twice…. until the NEXT FUCKING DAY when a guy in one of my college classes, with whom I had never, until that moment, ever spoken, tells me he “saw me sticking out of a limo on Garnet” and then smirked. Yep – first and LAST time that ever happened.           True story – I have witnesses.

*Garnet is the main drag in Pacific Beach, for those of you who aren’t familiar with the layout of San Diego…. No one older than 25 belongs there….under any circumstances…unless you happen to live there or are…… (see below)

• I’m Itchy All Over and I Can’t Stop Doing Jaw-Yoga

Drugs! Drugs! Drugs! Drugs are their best friends, and they will easily spend half the night looking for them… they might even fuck someone for them and that means either…

One pill or line, which leads to sex = CRACK WHORE

SEX, which then leads to delivery of the pill or line = EW. That’s it. EW.

• Oh You Have a Boyfriend? Let Me Straddle Him At Every Chance

Oh boy….. I have one particular chick in mind right at this very moment. She used to do this, but has since stopped, which is probably better for her health & safety. She acted this way towards one of my closest friend’s boyfriends, and in front of her! How trifling can you be?? Here’s some simple, but wise advice: Keep your hands to yourself before you straddle the wrong boyfriend and you find yourself with your nose sideways and your kneecaps shattered. Have fun straddling him then. 🙂

• I Will Fuck Your Ex & Pray You Never Find Out

Listen, I understand that there is a gray area when it comes to this subject. There are many variables that may or may not make this okay. For example, if the ex in question is from 15 years ago, get over it. However, if it’s been less than five years, or whatever statute of limitations you have put on it, and you KNOW your friend had strong feelings for this person and still may even have some lingering feelings, do us all a favor – jump on someone else’s dick. Let’s face it. Fucking your friends ex-boyfriend is just plain wrong and is basically the definition of a Triflin’ Ratchet Whore.

We get it – you have no self-esteem. We get it – you equate the number of dicks that enter your body with the worth you feel about yourself, but C’MON!!!! That’s just wrong on so many levels. We are already all painfully aware how territorial and jealous women are when it comes to the male species. And unless you live in a town with a population of 3,000, and 2,940 of those are somehow related to you, then you KNOW that there are many other penises to choose from. The world is smaller than you think – actually, the world is probably smaller than your genital orifices, so if you do this, just know that it will most likely, at some point, get back your friend, and when that happens, kiss your friendship good-bye. Do yourself a favor and make every attempt to bow out gracefully before your friend embarrasses the shit out of you and then quickly blacklists you from everything she’s invited to. Trust me – if it’s between you and her, you’ll be shit-out-of-luck, because you’re the trifling ratchet bitch who fucks friends’ exes, and no one wants you at their fancy soirees.

Bottom line? Find your own dick. No one wants to be someone’s sloppy seconds. If I run into you, know that I think you’re nasty and I don’t like you. Even worse – I have no respect for you, whatsoever. Go away.

• Wolves in Cheap Clothing

These girls are extremely dangerous because on the outside, they portray themselves are your “ride-or-die” girl, and then, later down the road, you find out that this person has secretly hated you for a long time, has made several efforts to desecrate your name with sheisty comments to others, and in many cases, start rumors with the express intent of souring your reputation.  Some are easier to detect than others. But I will say that it’s the ones you least suspect of betraying you that wind up hurting you the most. With the more obvious ones, your radar is almost always subconsciously up, so you never fully open yourself up to them cuz there’s just something…..you can’t quite put your finger on it, but there’s just something….; however, with the more conniving ones, you are almost always completely in the dark, and you usually end up either never finding out about their backhanded chit-chat, or you do, but it’s from someone in the group who decides to stand up with a loud & resounding, “ENOUGH”.

• Solution?

Look, I know it’s not easy to make loyal and long-lasting female friendships. That’s why there should be an app to help you search and screen for new friends…. how cool would THAT be? You log in, select certain boxes based on the qualities you are seeking in a female friendship, and then find others like u in the area.

For example, I’d click ‘loyal, honest, funny, laid back, intelligent, etc….’ while an Enron will most likely click ‘submissive, a follower, materialistic, kiss-ass, etc.’ Then, it would pair me up with all the women in my area who click on one or more of the same qualities. We meet up for whatever, and at the very least you and the other chick can laugh at the process. Genius!

How fucking awesome would THAT be?!!??? You meet ONE cool, authentic girl, and let’s say she happens to have some friends who are like her, and BAM! Now you have several new potentially awesome friends to get to know. And even if she doesn’t, one awesome friend is way better than 5 ratchet ones, any day of the week.

And likewise, I feel it would be perfectly appropriate to keep a list on the app (made public, of course) with pictures and names of girls to avoid at all costs. However, if you are to do that, you would have to be able to provide concrete proof, WITH corroboration, as to what makes this person not “friendship” material. You wanna make sure your ass is covered in case the Enron, in question, decides to sue you for slander….

Tata!!!