Man, it’s been way too long since my last post. I’ve been preoccupied with wife and mommy duties… and doodies. Having said that, I have to tell you that I read a hilarious article yesterday, detailing many of the things women hate that men do or don’t do in bed. As I am not a fan of plagiarism, I decided to go head to head with this article and write it from a man’s perspective.

Keep in mind, this is only possible, thanks to the candid and openly honest answers my guy friends gave me. So ladies, pay attention. This could make or break your orgasm.

As I break down each comment, understand that these are not numbered in order of importance – my ability to focus does not allow for this, so just read, take notes, and most importantly… if you’re doing any of these things, and your man has not specifically asked you to….stop. Stop immediately.

*One final note before I begin, this list doesn’t necessarily apply to ALL guys…. so chill.*

So, I got a few guys together and asked them to tell me things during sex that they can’t stand, and here’s the order in which they were yelled out. Bwahahaha this is awesome.

1. Smelling Your Vag During Foreplay and/or Intercourse

This statement got a resounding “Oh yea.. gross!” from the guys. Apparently, there’s a subset of women out there who find it necessary to “wipe and swipe” their juices across their noses in order to make sure they’re “fresh”. I’ve got news for you, ladies – if there’s ANY doubt in your mind, go to the bathroom first! The last thing you need, is for your man to think he’s headed to Virginia, only to end up at Zenbu. (For those of you non-Californians, that’s a popular sushi spot) One guy told me that his girl would constantly “check” during sex to see if she had a fucking yeast infection….

Um….. shame on the man for not putting the kibosh on that immediately. If your woman has to CHECK to MAKE SURE she doesn’t have a yeast infection, your dick shouldn’t be near her in the first place. Give her some vaginal aspirin and tell her to call you in the morning. In other words, GET OUT!

2. Hairy Butt Holes

I feel pretty confident that most, if not all, adults have viewed porn at least once in their lifetimes. So answer me this: How many girls have you seen, face down, ass up, with “taco meat” surrounding her butt hole…. Take a minute…. Yea, that’s what I thought. Of course, there are men who are into that, and please don’t tell me who you are. But the guys I spoke to all told me that when they are messing around with a girl, and if they see or feel hair in that region, their minds travel to the nearest Home Depot for some gardening shears, or even worse, a John Deere tractor.

Ladies, please shave or wax that hair. I know evolution felt the need to include it, but considering my ass doesn’t have a sneezing problem, I don’t see the point. The last thing you need is a guy reaching around and getting “entangled”. Not only will that be ridiculously awkward, but so will his face when he looks at his finger and sees a dingleberry. Trust me – that shit gets trapped in there like a web.

3. Your Grill on Their Dill

They all cringed. And then glanced at each other and nodded. Using teeth during a blow-job is one of the worst. Ladies, you have to figure out a way to keep your lips wrapped over your teeth. Remember, you are not Fire Marshall Bill. There is no reason why your teeth need to make contact. If you’re tired, stop. If you’re hungry, stop and go get a snack. If you’re mad at the guy…. well, if he deserves it, then keep using the teeth. But for the rest of you? Pretend you’re 90 years old.

4. Aggressive Handjobs

It’s not the 16th century. You’re not pumping his dick like water from a well.  If you’re thirsty, grab a bottle from the fridge. This is not Jurassic Park. You are not feverishly trying to turn on the generator. Slow and steady wins the race, remember? You’ve got to slowly progress. If you run out the gate, grabbing hold and jerking for dear life, your man may very well cry. Or at the very least, aggressively move your hand out of the way.

Me personally? Well, let’s just say that it’s definitely not my forte, and my hand HAS, in fact, been moved out of the way so the guy could use his own. In fact, the very first time I ever saw a penis was when a guy put my hand on it, and I was so green that I didn’t know that only the skin moved. I assumed the entire thing would go up and down, and when just the skin moved, I thought I’d hurt him. Hand to God, true story. LOL.

I feel it’s important I mention this: During this article, I have not, and will not refer to my relationship with my husband. I don’t discuss that part of our lives. These are memories I have way back when, from a time known as B.A. (Before Adam)

4. Asking Them When They’ll “Be Done“

I’m pretty sure we’ve all been guilty of this, at one time or another. I’m sure I am. But apparently, that’s a total turnoff for the guys. It’s like you’re giving them a countdown to something unknown, and it stresses them out. They can be very close to coming, and then you say, “Are you gonna come?” and all of a sudden their progress takes 3 steps backwards. Guys know that when you ask that, you’re really kinda “over it” and hoping it’ll be over soon. Well, I guess the secret’s out, ladies. So don’t ask.

On the flip side, they ALSO told me that they LOVE when a girl tells them NOT to come, because that tells him he’s doing something right and she’s well on her way to ecstasy. However, if the guy’s about to come, and you say, “Don’t you dare come!”, then they get scared and TRY DESPERATELY to take 3 steps back. 🙂

5. Music

Let’s face it. Sometimes a girl just wants to be fucked. Other times, she wants to be made love to. But you’ve got to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. For example, if it’s been a wild night, and you get back to your place and he’s expecting some animal shit, and you put on Fleetwood Mac or Chopin, you’re gonna confuse him. And the reverse is also true. If you are getting back from a wonderfully romantic evening, and get back to your place and Waka Flocka starts blasting while u attempt to rip his shirt right off his body, you’ll need to give the guy a minute to assess and adjust to the situation.

And one more thing. Find out on one of the first dates which types of music he hates. It would be a major mood killer to put on Backstreet Boys and see him grimace.

6. Sucking Balls

Some guys like this – others, not so much.

7. Bad Breath

Kissing is a big part of intimacy. It’s a way to communicate feelings. Kissing softly sends one message, while aggressive and intense make out sessions send another. But  although they are different, they both agree on one thing. Bad breath sends the same message to both, and that message is, “Bacteria is my Bestie.” Ladies, it takes only a minute to brush your teeth, or gargle with mouthwash or pop in some gum. Take care of this prior to your encounter. You’ll already be in the bathroom making sure you’re “fresh“, and not the “fresh catch of the day“, anyway, so inspect and correct.

8. Reaching Around

Again, some dudes love this – others, not so much. But you won’t know unless you ask or try. But here’s the thing with trying: The guys I spoke to said that when a girl tries to put her finger in his asshole, they will and have attempted, the following:

• gently swat her hand away
• grab her hand
• immediately switch positions
• arch their backs in order to make their asses harder to reach
• I’m sure there are plenty more options….

Bottom line? If you want to reach around, make sure that he’s “down”. (Puns BOTH most certainly intended)

9. Soixante-Neuf

I whole heartedly feel that Position 69 is an awkward, uncomfortable, pointless, and just plain strange experience. Personally, I’m not a fan and never have been. It’s doesn’t even look good in porn. I can actually see them struggle. How the hell am I supposed to experience pleasure when I’m too busy trying to give YOU pleasure?! Not to mention, having balls repeatedly hitting my forehead does not an orgasm give. If I’m too busy pleasing you, then you’re basically just wasting your time.

We should just call the position “See-Saw”, so you take a turn, then I take a turn, etcetera, etcetera. I’d like to also add that I don’t particularly enjoy my olfactory glands being overrun by the stench of sweaty balls and anus. Just saying’.

…….. Ok, the dishwasher is calling, so I shall stop here. if you can think of more examples, shoot em over. Enjoy Happy Hump Day, and if you DO end up humping later, keep this list in mind…. 🙂