Oh boy. I can already tell that I’m going to offend some people by writing this blog, which actually gives me the giggles…. Hell + Handbasket = Yours Truly…..

So….lately I’ve been seeing a lot of different “Challenges” in my Facebook news feed to honor and fundraise for various charities, hospitals and events, as well as to raise awareness for several different health issues affecting the world. I get it. We need more support. Blah, blah, blah. Most recently, there’s been the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge infecting, oops, I mean “circulating” the web, and I actually get a kick out of people torchering themselves, so it hasn’t been that bad. HOWEVER, the other day, I received a photo of a NEW challenge going around to raise awareness for cervical cancer, and it involves women showing their support visa vie a close-up shot of their best and biggest camel toe. I wish, as I typed that last statement, that these were actual pictures of actual camel toes, but alas, they aren’t. What they are, in reality, are close-up shots of what can only be described as an advertisement for cunnilingus control. If I was a man, and saw a close-up shot of a woman’s vertical smile delightfully chewing on her pants, I’d consider that no man’s land!!!!! Especially if I were a young, unexperienced man.

Most guys have seen the lovely “flower of life” in magazines and courtesy of drunk sorority girls, but for those of you who’ve yet to explore the wonders of going down on a woman, let me tell you that these women are the exception, NOT the rule. If I were a man and saw some of these cooters, it would kill any and all desire for me to make direct eye-level contact. I’d be afraid it would eat me, too! My brain would be spinning. “What the hell is going on in there? Is it a portal to another dimension? Is it just teasing me? Does it have teeth? And if so, do those teeth have braces?” I’d be traumatized, which would morph into a phobia, which would then morph into me being a total Guapo, aka douche bag. Only douche bags don’t go down on girls. For us, the vagina is fucking Disneyland, or in this case, Jizzneyland. Ride us, play with us…. eat at our fabulous restaurants. It’s an all-u-can-eat buffet, so dig in! Hell, some of us’ll even give u Fast Passes.  And these camel toe hoes are ruining this treasured past time, so for that I say, “Shame!! Shame!! Shame on you!”

Women – STOP fucking showing people how hungry your crotch is! I recently saw a lady with a gnarly camel toe, and a little part of me wanted to offer her money so she could feed it actual food. Seeing a gnarly camel toe reminds me of a rooting newborn. For those of you who aren’t familiar with that term, “rooting” is when the baby becomes so hungry that he or she starts sucking on its own hand. Well guess what, ladies. Your vaginas are rooting. For God’s sake, feed them! I don’t care if it’s a breath mint, a tampon, a rabbit (the vibrating kind), or a penis, but between your fashion faux pas and the commercials I see on TV, I’m beginning to think the entire world is starving. Having said that, I, myself, have suffered the unflattering exposure caused by camel toe, and I would constantly adjust myself, but when I do that, it looks like I’m playing tug-of-war with my vagina.

Me: “Give me that!”

Vagina: “No, it’s mine!”

Me: “Fuck you! It’s mine!”

Vagina: “Oh yea?! Well I fucked your boyfriend last night.”

Me: “I know, I was there. You’re MY vagina, remember?”

Vagina: “Oh yea…Besties for life!!! I guess you can have your pants back…. But I’m keeping the underwear!”

Back to my main point, we’ve all heard the term “It looks like her ass is eating her pants,” but now we must add ‘vagina’ to that list. Now, I will say, some are way more subtle than others. Sometimes I’ll be walking down the street, and I’ll notice a girl in workout clothes, and I’ll just figure the sweat is at fault… but then other times, I’ll find myself unable to look away, and there will be so much going on in that region, that all I can think in my head is, “Exactly how many vaginas does that chick have?!”

Men are lucky. Their nasty, sweaty balls stay nicely hidden underneath layers of briefs and baggy pants, and its common knowledge that men constantly adjust themselves, and they always smirk when they do. Why don’t they ever seem embarrassed? And more importantly…. WHY do men find it necessary to SMELL their hands afterwards? WTF is that all about? I was once at a party, and I literally witnessed a guy do the exact thing I just mentioned, and then attempted to introduce himself to me and shake my hand with “THAT HAND”. I felt so bad for him. I don’t think he expected what came out of my mouth, which was, “Sorry, dude. Can’t shake your hand ’til you wash off that ball sweat you just lathered your nose in.” He tried denying it, and if I knew how to raise just one eyebrow, I would have, but instead I just stared at him, and for a moment, nothing happened. I half-expected my own vagina to come to the guy’s defense, but even she was grossed out. I mean, what the hell are you guys expecting to smell and coat your nose hairs with….a burrito? Some rib-eye? Your girlfriend’s breath? C’mon… do that shit in private.

Back to the main point of this, I have the perfect “challenge” to compliment the “let’s raise awareness for cervical cancer by giving our coochies mammograms by pushing them as close together as possible!” challenge. Let’s help raise awareness for prostate cancer by having men fist each other on camera. You’ve seen the shock on peoples’ faces when ice water is dumped over their bodies…. let’s see the reaction when Pablo stands on his porch in underwear, drops a quarter, and then Johnny sneaks up behind him and shoves his fist up his ass!” I guarantee that would raise a lot of money.

C’mon… who’s ready to join the Fist List to raise awareness for Prostate Cancer??!?!!?!? And if that’s a little too intense, I’ll even settle for a finger.