Hey hey! Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend – hopefully this post doesn’t ruin it.

I just had a conversation with a pretty cool chick, and during the conversation, I had a flashback that I feel is necessary, for the greater good of woman & man (yes, there are women on this planet, too), to share with you. When I was in college, I was working full-time, going to school full-time, partying full-time, and somehow still managing to sneak in a little sleep every once in a while. This story pertains to one particular instance, and it is one which I hope can helps others who have experienced such a tragedy cope, or at least figure out a way to, move on from and rebuild. Here goes.

There was this guy….. I shall call him Pablo. He was gorgeous – tall, black hair, bright blue eyes, and fair skin. He was sarcastic, entertaining and an all-around fun guy to be around. We hung out a few times, went on a few dates, and then the inevitable happened. There we were, in his apartment, messing around, and before I knew it, we were both naked. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but there is no need. And here’s why…. You know how in “sex” terms, they use 1st, 2nd, 3rd, & Home base to describe the various stages of foreplay and then intercourse? Well, apparently there was another base, one of which I had never heard, and one which, for the purposes of this post, I shall call “Platform Three & Three Quarters”, and again, here’s why.

Pablo stuck his penis in my thigh. And I don’t mean he stuck it between my thighs… I mean he literally “inserted” himself into the crease between my leg & my groin. I’m certain this happens all the time, and it is almost always instantly “corrected”. I say almost, because in THIS instance, there was no correction. He fucking fucked my thigh. Four seconds into it, I became confused as to why his dick….. was still in my thigh, but by the time we got to twenty seconds, I knew this is how it would end. And then my mind started racing. Do I tell him? Will that embarass him? Do I just fake enjoyment? I couldn’t bring myself to do any of the above, so I literally just laid there. At that point, I didn’t care if he went and told all of his friends that I was lousy in bed – I just wanted it to end. And it did…. in less than a minute, but not the way that you think.

When he was about to “finish”, he pulled out, ripping off the condom quickly as to fulfill some ridiculous fantasy of which I was completely unaware, and then it happened. The spooge came flying…. directly over my left shoulder….. What the fuck had just happened? What was that? Was that salt? Was he superstitious? Thank the “load” that shit missed my upper body completely. If any had landed, this story would be staying in the vault. I faced the reality of what had just occurred, and in that moment, realizing that having his penis in my thigh had caused the trajectory of his ‘un-kids’ to change, it took all the willpower I could muster to not snort from laughing. He followed the trail with his eyes and looked utterly confused. He then asked me if there was a fan in the room. I couldn’t even bring myself to speak, so I just shook my head.

As we were getting dressed and I was scrambling to find a valid excuse to escape, he looked at me and said, “I just want you to know that that was the best sex I’ve ever had, and I am definitely looking forward to doing it again soon.” I thought to myself, “what had just transpired was not sex – it was an experiment on the human psyche,” and then I heard the longest five words of my life…..

“See you at work tomorrow.”