Good morning, all! While I would never pretend to be an advice columnist, I’m always more than happy to answer questions or dole out advice, but for your own mental health, I would strongly advise that you don’t follow it.

This is a topic that I could talk about ad nauseam, but for the purposes of this short post, I want to focus on one area I find particularly amusing – TEXTING.

As I entered my mid-30s, I became painfully aware that this is the point in our lives when marriages tend to fall apart, or friends get married for the first time. One of my dearest friends is newly single. Why, is beyond me. She’s HOT, SMART and FUNNY, and just slutty enough that u want to bring her to every party. It’s been wildly entertaining hearing about her recent exploits, but what’s been even more entertaining, is all the complaining she’s been doing about dating men in the digital age.

When I met my husband, the year was 2001. Ear pieces were relatively new, and texting was unheard of. When he wanted to see me, he actually had to flip open his Motorola and press 7 whole numbers and then SEND! Can you believe it? THANK GOD I made it to his speed dial list, which brought the number of mandatory button-pushing down to 2. And then it got me thinking…. what if men in the digital age were FORCED to call girls instead of texting? What would that conversation sound like? Would the guy speak the same way he texts? Let’s examine such a conversation for a moment, hypothetically-speaking, shall we?

“Hi, Suzy – it’s John. I was just thinking about you. LOL SMILEY FACE.”

“Hi John. It’s good to hear from you. How are you?”

“LMFAO”

“Why are you speaking to me like an Emoji?”

“LOL – wanna hang out?”

“At this point, I’m not sure – what did you have in mind?”

“Lemme get back to you, SMILEY FACE/WINK FACE”

“UMMM, actually, John, I think I’m gonna pass.”

“YELLOW FACE WITH NO SMILE, REALLY?”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but you’re also a complete idiot.”

Guys need to understand, that although texting DOES exist, it should not be used to communicate with a girl until after you’ve gone out on at least one date. And even then, use texting sparingly. Bottom line? Pick up the goddamned phone and press the buttons. PRESS THE BUTTONS!! Just imagine that you’re texting with your mouth. It ain’t rocket science. And trust me – a girl is MUCH more likely to put out if you give her the impression that you’re a nice guy by calling. Oh, and it works both ways. Ladies – don’t Emoji your conversation into the ground. Try to limit your vernacular to words that were recognized by the nerds at Webster PRIOR to 2010.