Ok – now that I have cemented the most fucked-up sleeping routine for the kids, which will be SO MUCH FUN to undo, let me bring y’all up to speed on what’s been going on today. Wow – that sounded so intense….

My friend, Chloe asked me what she should do because her husband isn’t providing “lip service” like he used to before their child was born. My immediate question to her was, “Did he witness your child actually coming out of your vagina?” She said yes, and I was basically like, “Well THAT sucks.” I can’t tell you how many girlfriends, whose husbands witnessed a vaginal birth, have complained that their men don’t really go down on them like they did prior to “The Event.’ Yes, I call it “The Event”, and deservedly so, because it really is something out of a sci-fi/slasher/doomsday guide/documentary on the human psyche. When I was pregnant with my first child, I explicitly told my husband, “Don’t you DARE even GLANCE in that general direction until the doctor has collected my placenta and taken it to Area 51”, where, for the record, I believe all placentas should probably go. And also the people who eat them. That is an “event” on its own, but it’s one my lactose intolerance after just ingesting pizza prohibits me from discussing.

Okay – back to the subject at hand…  Imagine, for a moment, that you are staring lovingly into your wife’s eyes, as the two of you prepare for the arrival of your new baby. The anticipation, the excitement, the elation…. Now imagine, in that instant, you think to yourself, “Why stare at my wife’s eyes, when I can witness the MIRACLE of our baby coming into the world?!” It sounds like a good idea at the moment, but trust me – IT’S NOT.

I, myself, had planned on an all-natural birth, so while pregnant with Asher, I attended birthing classes, and as you can probably guess, they played a birthing video for everyone.

Doula: “What you are about to witness is beyond words,” she said. “Please see the grander picture of your child being born, and not the actual birth itself,” she said. “In order to help ease the stress and anxiety most people feel when watching such a video, we will be playing one in a different language,” she said.” Thank God, I thought… at least I won’t know what the lady is screaming. And I didn’t, that is, until the doula pressed PLAY and I quickly realized that the video had been shot in Holland, and it just so happens that I speak Dutch. All I can say is What….The….Fuck. I’m a woman, and what I witnessed was so beyond horrifying, that I almost wished I could fall asleep right then and there and have Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhies and Mikey Meyers pick me up for a friendly game of Tag. But to all you moms-to-be, I’m sure YOUR experience will be special and unique, so forget everything u just read.

*I’m sure many of my friends, as well as couples the world over, have had wonderful experiences with their significant others staring deeply into something that at one time resembled an O’Keefe, and now belongs in a Black Hole slide show, and I ask that, in order to preserve our friendship, you never tell me. Ever.*

Listen – your husband may be mentally scarred by this. He might be afraid that while he’s down there, Chucky is gonna pop his head out like a turtle and ask him if he wants to play. Perhaps he doesn’t like going down there, because you are so stretched out that he has to use his entire head – fuck it, he’ll probably have to go spelunking, and then he’ll have a hard time breathing. He’ll end up literally passing out inside your vagina, and unless you’re a major yoga fan, good luck avoiding an involuntary manslaughter charge, or at the very least, negligent homicide.

But maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with him having witnessed child birth. Maybe you sweat a little more down there than you think, and he doesn’t want the aroma of his high school locker room after basketball practice implanted into his nose hairs. BUT! There’s an app for that. Not really, but Altoids are an AWESOME alternative. NOT the traditional Cinnamon ones, but the green Spearmint ones. Trust me. It’s a win-win. Tell your man to pop one in right as he has Dinner At the Y.

You’re welcome.